"What's number 9? Number 9? Number 9?"

Letusproclaimthemysteryoffaith, NC - Ralph Reed, the former psycho freak insane fire-eyed scary religious zealot who was invited to become a key player in the Bush Administration, finally relented under pressure from Dick Cheney and agreed that former Beatle Paul McCartney could indeed play the halftime show at this season's Super Bowl! But after a three-way AOL Instant Message session involving himself, President Bush and Jesus, Reed has delivered to the former Wings warbler and to the NFL front office some hard-and-fast guidelines to help McCartney guarantee his performance will be "evangelically successful." Among the recommendations: #3 - wardrobe to include long-sleeve shirt with turtleneck or ascot and trousers covered by ski pants; #8 - No 'agitating, mop-top style haircut'; #14 - nobody with breasts onstage whatsoever; #17 - "Doggone Girl Is Mine" okay only if 'Doggone' changed to 'Dadgum' and if written disclaimer disavowing Michael Jackson is run in graphic crawl across bottom of screen during performance; #21 - Cruci-fixers Home Improvement Team allowed to build piano 'altar'; and # 33 - accompanying musicians must be de-loused, dressed in burlap and none can be introduced as "Dick," even if that is their name. McCartney said he already de-louses his band daily and would take the other guidelines under advisement.