|
YOU, THE FAN,
NAMED THE SPORTALICIOUS BOWL!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Well, your Big Poll votes
have been tabulated, America, and it's official - the name of
the first annual Sportalicious-sponsored bowl game, to be held
Dec. 23 at University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh Titan stadium, is the
'Sportalicious! Naked Chicks In Press Box Bowl.'
Managing editor Chet Waterhouse has now
dived - dove? - diven? - ah...dived full-time into lining up two
teams willing to play in northern Wisconsin on December 23rd for
a four-digit guarantee versus a percentage of the gate. "It's
like a niteclub deal," said Waterhouse, "if they draw,
hey, they make the dough. Can't put all that weight on our shoulders
- bring your own damn fans, or make it worthwhile for the locals
to show up - have some semi-nude coed cheerleaders or hold a venison
giveaway!" Waterhouse added, "Do I have to think of
everything?"
USC DEMANDS BCS TROPHY NOW!
Driveby, CA - A University of Southern
California alumni group has petitioned the Bowl
Championship Series officials demanding that all the
shenanigans be halted immediately and that USC be given the trophy
as the nation's number one team outright. "Why even play
the game?" said an incredulous Bappy Fulbright, a USC grad,
attorney, and occasional soap opera actor. "Enough with these
stupid formulas and theories and old-fashioned fuddy-duddied 'results'
from actual 'games,' it's so patently clear that USC has the best
team in the country that to consider continuing this BCS garbage
under any other precept would be tantamount to folly. And we'll
sue, too." Fulbright said Oklahoma's 'cute'
and should be given the 2nd place trophy, while Ohio State
and Michigan are just "attention-seeking
whores."
PRESIDENT'S CUP TIE SETTLED BY
CUTTING CARDS!
Saucy Links, South Africa - Golf's prestigious
and unknown President's Cup, which pits insanely
wealthy American golfers against insanely wealthy foreign golfers
in a team competition, ended in a tie Sunday, and the Cup wasn't
decided until opposing team leaders Ernie Els
and Tiger Woods cut cards at the club bar hours
later. Amazingly, Els and Woods each cut Jacks, then eights, then
tens, before Els cut a queen. Woods then cut a Joker, the club
was castigated roundly by everyone for keeping Jokers in the deck,
and it was then decided after several rounds of expensive alcohol
the the Cup would be split between the two teams. America will
get it during sunny months and the International team during partly-cloudy
months.
HARVARD, YALE TO CALL IT QUITS!
Cambridge, MA - Citing a major lack of interest
in sports played by athletes who go to class, Harvard
and Yale of the Ivy League decided
to stop playing each other in football. "No one'll even miss
us," said Harvard spokesperson Dr. Evelyn Pell. "You'll
see, I'll bet we're not even the top story in Sportalicous's 'The
Wire' column. This sucks." Pell said that attendance at this
year's Harvard-Yale game dipped under 100 for the second year
in a row. " We get your drift America - we're gonna let Oklahoma
do what it does best, which is play football, and we're gonna
go cure cancer and minor crap like that, and save your asses,
okay?"
KOBE SENDS JACKO THANK YOU NOTE!
Playa del Playah, CA - Los Angeles Lakers
guard/adulteror Kobe Bryant, on the way back
from buying his wife Nepal, told the press he had sent Michael
Jackson a thank you note this week. "I wanted to
thank him for all his music and contributions, and for takin'
the heat off me," said Bryant. "His extra freakiness
has really pushed me deep into the news, like, six or seven minutes
in. In fact last night, they did a story on a family of ducks
that use the Palos Verdes town fountain as their home before they
got to my jury crap. So thank you." Bryant then had to leave
because his wife wanted him to.
|
|
