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John Paul Remlicher |
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious!
psychic Alejandro
got nicked by lightning while raking leaves and was contacted
by none other than Sportalicious! founder John
Paul Remlicher! We present here the amazing transcript
of that seance!
JPR: Hello.
A: Ow. That hurt.
JPR: Lightning's good for you. It wakes you up.
A: Who are you?
JPR: It's Remlicher.
A: Who?
JPR: The guy who started Sportalicious! over 200
years ago.
A: What?
JPR: Without me, you're working the toothpick shift
in Beaverton, my fine friend.
A: Oh. Uh. What's up?
JPR: You really were a logger, weren't you? Tell
everyone it's good on this side.
A: This side of what?
JPR: This side of the beer stein. I'm dead, Paul
Bunyan, this side of the UNIVERSE.
A: Oh. Uh.
JPR: Just convey this message - tell Chet
Waterhouse I have not seen the beauty Anna Kournikova
on the front page in quite some time.
A: Korna who?
JPR: Lord, I can't believe I'm dead yet you are
wasting plasma.
A: Hey dude, shut up. Or take it outside.
JPR: I'm 230 years old.
A: I don't care, dude.
JPR: Would you like to be struck by lightning again?
(silence)
JPR: Women in my time did not dress like harlots,
and I would like to see so much more of it on the cover
of my publication. More Kournikova. Tell Waterhouse.
A: Okay.
JPR: Don't rake the leaves, they will provide
nutrients under the snowpack so your vegetation will be
strong in spring.
A: Tell my old lady that.
JPR: Now let's review - what are you supposed
to tell Waterhouse?
A: Don't rake the leaves.
JPR: (sighs) No. More whore-ish women.
A: What the hell was the leaves thing all
about?
JPR: Ignore it.
A: Naked babes on the cover.
JPR: Good. Go over to his house now. Run.
A: But the Packers are
on now.
JPR: I hear there's another lightning storm
on the way.
A: I'm goin' now.
(at this point, Alejandro's "lady" woke him up
with freezing water to the face and Alejandro was taken
to the Scott Tissue Medical Center with frostbitten cheeks.)
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