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BIG STAR CRIBBAGE FINALE!
Pugg, NV - Fox TV's smash-hit
reality gaming show, "Big Star Cribbage," taped its
sizzling last episode this weekend in the Eruption Room at the
Krakatoa Casino in this hot little town south of Las Vegas, and
there was brawling fireworks at this contest too! David
Faustino got nipped down Fourth Street by Richard
Greico, who won the $75,000 first prize, which was then
split by his agent, manager, ex-wife and pit boss, leaving Greico
$9,000. But before Greico could walk away, Faustino leaped over
the table and tried to gouge his eyes out. Greico smashed a Schlatzman's
Minty Ale bottle over Faustino's head and the two had to be separated
by third-place finisher, The Soup Nazi guy from "Seinfeld."
Faustino was taken to Hotslots Medical Center and released for
inability to pay.
ARTEST GETS SEASON OFF TO PROMOTE
CD!
Indianapolis, IN - The artist known as Ron
Artest has had his request fulfilled by the NBA
to get time off so he can go promote his new rap CD. At first
it looked as if Artest's request would be ignored and in fact
was laughed at by many members in the media, but the NBA had a
change of heart Monday and decided it could not stand in the way
of the great art that is music, if any of that should happen to
appear on Artest's CD. In fact, the NBA has provided transportation
out of the league for Artest and a parting gift basket that includes
a quart of Hennessy and some steroids.
STEINBRENNER BUYS OFF CASTRO,
TAKES CUBA!
New York, NY - New York Yankees
owner George Steinbrenner, still burning at his
team's humiliating and embarrassing season, has turned his purchase
last week of the Dominican Republic into a full-on assault on
the entire Caribbean region. Steinbrenner placed two calls to
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, who accepted an
undisclosed cash payment in exchange for giving first-look rights
to Yankees scouts for all Cuban baseball personnel under the age
of 30, male or female. Steinbrenner had two troop transport ships
off the coast of Havana, but it's unsure whether they were bringing
a private army to Cuba or taking a private stock of cigars away
from Cuba. Steinbrenner also agreed to open a Cuban Jazz club
in the Bronx.
RALPH REED: MCCARTNEY "IFFY,"
OTHERS STILL IN RUNNING!
Geezez, NC - Ralph Reed, the
former psycho freak insane fire-eyed scary religious zealot who
was invited to become a key Bush official, has shipped a letter
to the NFL telling them on behalf of the Bush
Administration that though Paul McCartney has
been selected as Super Bowl halftime entertainment,
"we have to run it by Jesus first." Reed said he was
concerned McCartney's hair was too long and could influence kids
negatively, and also said the Happy Go Lucky Yodelers and the
Cruci-fixers Home Makeover Team were still in the running. Reed
said Bush has a scheduled conference call with Jesus Friday and
should have an answer by then.
PSA ISSUE NEW BILLIARDS TERMS!
Sleazyville, OH - Finally! After years of deliberation,
The Pool Shooters America organization has released its accepted
new pool terms, to be used by scary weirdos in pool halls everywhere.
Most of us are familiar with the phrase, "Put a little english
on it," which means to spin the cue ball backwards after
contact. The PSA has now added "Put a little Swiss on it,"
which means to get the cue ball into neutral space, and "Put
a little French on it," which means to hide the cue ball
behind another ball. In addition, on the heels of calling the
cue ball area during a break "the kitchen," the far
left pocket is now called "the veranda" and the center
of the table is called "the family room."
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