If you’ve ever spent any time in Las Vegas,
particularly between the hours of 1am and 8am, The Tubster needs
no introduction. The omni-present “Tub” slides effortlessly
around Vegas despite his 483 pounds and its accompanying odor.
As a denizen of eateries all over town, he’s beloved, or
as one maitre’d jokingly put it, “barely tolerated,
with his fat freakin’ mouth.”After a successful career
in auto-dial telemarketing, The Tubster turned his talents to
oddsmaking. His career mark of 50.61% right versus a paltry 49.39%
wrong is third all-time among active fat blowhard tipsters.
You cannot believe the luck I've had -- jump on and ride this
train if you're smart! (Don't actually jump on, it would aggravate
my 7th and 8th disc problems.)
First, I get car-jacked on the north side of Vegas but they find
my Aztek out near Naptha, Nevada... ...except it's not my car,
it's the LATEST model Pontiac Aztek! Same color, but two-tone
leather trim and a driver's side cup holder! Shhhh!
Then, I lay 50 potato chips on the Pistons to
beat the Pacers but because of the brawl, Duke
Dickert's Silver Shaft Casino gives everybody a push!
I tell you, this is the beginning of a streeeeeeaak...
Lay off the BCS contenders. No money in it. I'm
takin' my bonus fifty and putting it on Avalanche State to take
the Division IV seven-man crown over Motel Management Tech....
Then follow me and parlay those winnings by taking Chimichanga
over Just Flat in the Drunk Horseman's Handicap at Tijuana's Pana-lea
Park! I got a blanket boy inside the Mexican racing industry,
so let's use him!...
Then, close the evening by taking those 400 tater chips and droppin'
'em on Mitch "Pea Soup" Fogg to take the ultra-bantamweight
89-pound title belt from Parjeengi Khaluapsetreeps of Malaysia!
Although you can go celebrate at Khaluapsetreeps' family restaurant,
the Garlic Snake, and everyone's a winner! Or my name ain't...
THE TUBSTER
We all know unsanctioned gambling
is illegal, and Sportalicious! would never condone it. But if
you're playing at the kitchen table, an innocent game with your
kids using potato chips…knowledge is power, that's all we're
saying.
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