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LEBRON
JAMES HAS CRUSH ON TEACHER!
Cleveland, OH - Problems keep mounting for the
NBA's Cleveland Cavaliers who
possess the double-edged sword known as LeBron James.
James, a wildly talented 13-year-old guard/forward whose flirtation
with puberty has the city's hoops fans on the edge of their fat
asses, also falls victim to distractions others on the Cavs roster
have outgrown at least three or four years ago. James admitted
in a press conference after a 7-of-43 shooting effort last week
that he realized he loves his English and Math tutor, Maggie McMashmill,
a 21-year-old Scottish exchange student at Cleveland State
University who looks awesome without a stitch of makeup
on. A spokesperson for McMashmill said the lass doesn't understand
American basketball but thinks LeBron's body is "ridiculous."
She has taught LeBron how to smoke cigarettes and score well on
tests by 'scoring' some drugs for the professor.
ONLY FOUR RAIDERS TEST POSITIVE FOR
THG!
Oakland, CA - Oakland Raiders
team officials threw a media party at Free Belly's Gentlemen's
Club in the East Bay when the NFL announced only
four Raiders players had tested positive for the potent steroid
THG. "I thought it'd be at least eleven, twelve," said
team physician Kenny Wayne Patterson, "I mean, what the hell
are these other psycho players on? Probably some kind of Bolivian
jungle tab they've only tested on sloths or something! Well, until
the NFL catches up to it, let's party!" Patterson, whose
doctorate is in Muscle Exercise from McNapster State in the Dutch
Antilles, said most of the Raiders are clean, "compared to
a rap posse."
DOPED SPRINTERS DON'T EVEN MAKE COVER
OF 'STEROID ABUSE' MAG!
Cindertown, CA - Editors of "Steroid Abuse"
magazine spurned the opportunity to put recently disgraced American
track stars on the cover in favor of a dog who plays basketball
but is hooked on Creotine. Managing editor Ying Yang Rockadelic
said, "Track stars on dope? Ooh, yeah, stop the presses.
Snore. Track stars not on dope, there's a cover you couldn't get
five cents for at a crappy garage sale. Track stars on dope, that's
like a Reader's Digest recurring feature next to 'Humor In Uniform.'
Track stars on dope. It's tired and '70s. You ever seen a dog
on Creotine? It's wack. Check us out."
RAPID CITY STICKSTERS NOT ALLOWED
OFF BUS!
Anxious Falls, MT - The Rapid City Sticksters,
the Harlem Globetrotters of Hockey, were not even allowed off
the bus in Anxious Falls for a charity game after having committed
several infractions including two through the open windows upon
their arrival. Glum County sheriff's deputies clocked the bus
at 113 miles an hour past Prairie Dog Medical Center and into
downtown, where defenseman Alphonse Turgidde shouted at two female
paramedics to "defibrillate my penis!" Forward Tomas-Pietr
Tomas-Pietreson then threw a puck through the plate glass window
of a German bakery, because as he told deputies, "F*$k them."
The Sticksters were to play the Anxious Falls Donut Workers, but
instead forfeited their $460 fee to the local soup kitchen and
were given a motorcycle escort to the county line.
COLLEGE BCS TICKER: SOMEONE BEATS
SOMEONE ELSE!
Cheddar Falls, WI - The crack sportsdesk at Sportalicious!
headquarters has been singled out by federal regulators to write
headlines and copy based solely on new federal privacy guidelines.
These guidelines make it illegal to reveal information on an injured
player, a healthy player, and a program that may be dealing with
injured or healthy players. The feds have singled out Sportalicious!
because two weeks ago we reported that a player at the University
of Wisconsin we thought had tweaked an ankle had actually
died in a pet marmoset mishap three weeks prior to that. So as
of now, according to the new guidelines, Oklahoma
leads the BCS, followed by someone, someone else, another team,
Michigan, some other team and another team. The
fans of Someone Else are already screaming foul play. We'll keep
you posted.
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