|
MR. STATS WHUPPED WITHIN INCH OF LIFE!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious! columnist
Glen Furg, aka "Mr. Stats,"
inadvertently took his own life in his hands in last
week's column on the BCS system when he revealed
the identity of a man who signed his letter "Frustrated in
Boise (but not just because of BSU, my marriage
sucks too)," clearly wanting to remain anonymous. The man,
who Stats blatantly revealed as Tom Bzfyrt, was served divorce
papers by his wife earlier this week, and Byzfrt apparently took
a Frontier Airlines flight to Minneapolis, rented a car, drove
to Cheddar Falls, and kicked the living hell out of Stats outside
the Snatch 'N Sip convenience store on the frontage road near
the fish chum factory. Stats was rushed to Youbetcha Regional
Medical Center where he's listed in "holeymoley" condition.
REED TELLS NFL: MORE 'RED-STATE FRIENDLY'
HALFTIME ACTS!
Praydammit, SC - Ralph Reed,
the former psycho freak insane fire-eyed scary religious zealot
who was invited to become a key Bush official, has shipped a letter
to the NFL telling them which acts the Administration
would like to see at this year's Super Bowl halftime
to avoid, as he put it, "another Jesus-hating boob boo."
The NFL had been compiling their own list but said it would accept
Reed's list "in the interests of national security in the
fight against terrorism." Only a partial list has been obtained
thus far, but it includes The Happy Go Lucky Yodelers, The Cruci-fixers
Home Makeover Team and excerpts from the musical, "Fallwell
That Ends Well."
BRADSHAW ACCIDENTALLY TELESTRATES
HILTON VIDEO!
Los Angeles, CA - Due to a technical snafu during
Sunday's NFL telecasts, Fox Sports super-bubba
football analyst Terry Bradshaw, intending to
help dissect a Green Bay Packers end-around,
instead inadvertently wound up diagramming the latest secret Paris
Hilton sex tape. Bradshaw's telestrator monitor showed
the Green Bay play, but the national feed somehow got a shot of
Hilton in fruit roll thong and nothing else. Bradshaw's telestrator
pen somehow circled her breasts, a zucchini set on her nightstand,
and a pathway towards the thong. Hilton says she knows nothing
of the illicit video, which opens in 350 theatres this weekend
and is scheduled to go nationwide Friday.
STEINBRENNER BUYS DOMINICAN
REPUBLIC!
New York, NY - New York Yankees
owner George Steinbrenner, maneuvering to avoid
another embarrassing 100 win season and near-miss of the World
Series, has purchased the Dominican Republic and all
its citizens. All current and potential baseball players in the
island country will have a chip implanted behind their right ears
and be monitored by a telecommunications satellite Steinbrenner
launched Monday called "Domination Star." It is now
mandatory for all Dominicans to wear pinstripe underwear and eat
a slice of pizza every day.
TURNS OUT SPREWELL DOES NEED MILLIONS
TO FEED FAMILY!
Scared White Suburb, MN - The Minnesota
Timberwolves' star guard Latrell Sprewell
was not lying about needing a salary increase to feed his family!
Sprewell, who last week said he may not play hard for the Wolves
unless he gets the extra dough, has his family on a special health
diet of endangered bald eagle meat, imported Beluga caviar and
pure, melted gold. "Don't laugh," said Sprewell, "they
haven't had a cough or a sniffle in weeks!" Sprewell's monthly
food budget is nearly $400,000, and that's before adding in takeout
dessert from the Cheesecake Factory.
|
|
