"...right down Santa Claus lane"

New York, NY - On the heels of Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest's request for a month off so he can promote his rap CD, the NBA's front office has been inundated with over 80 similar requests from around the league! San Antonio Spurs Manu Genobili is looking for six weeks off with pay to tour as the third lead in a road company of the Broadway hit "Rent." Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki asked for three months off with pay to shoot and edit his new fashion-for-men cable show on Bravo, "Work It With Dirk!" The Seattle Supersonics' Ray Allen wants six weeks with pay to finish a screenplay, "Purple Planet," for Spike Lee's company. "It's not like my acting work," said Allen, "it's more of a flight of fancy, and when you get inspired on one of those, Shane Black told me, you gotta write. And I just had a breakthrough the other night when I stared at the flashers on my Bentley. I was at the computer til 2am!" Minnesota Timberwolves' Kevin Garnett has requested a month off with pay to pursue "a fine lady" he saw at a recent home game on Loose Halter Top Night. Embattled LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant wants five weeks vacation because his wife wants five weeks vacation, while Golden State star Chris Webber has requested two years off so he can finish up his last four credits at the University of Michigan. LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers is looking for two weeks off with pay so he can take his driver's license test. And in an unusual twist of irony, Ron Artest's coach, Indiana Pacers head man Rick Carlisle, filed for three weeks off so he could "beat the s*$t out of Ron Artest." The league said only that it would grant Detroit Pistons center Ben Wallace a month sabbatical so that he could be a department store Santa.