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CRAIG STADLER ON STEROIDS!
Cialis Bay, FL - The Balco drug scandal has finally
spilled over baseball and football's boundaries and reared its
ugly head in the world of Seniors Golf. It appears Craig
Stadler, aka "The Walrus," has been using oral
steroids and a peach exfoliant testosterone foot cream for nearly
six months now. Stadler has not gone on an equivalent tear to
Barry Bonds homer barrage but has been short-tempered with several
valets and tipped poorly at most coffee shops. Doctors say Stadler's
steroids may not be working yet because rumor has it he digested
them by hiding them inside Hostess Suzy Q's. It was recently discovered
that the spun lard will neutralize any illegal steroid. It will
also keep you chubby.
MORE NFL HALFTIME ACTS!
God's Gazebo, AK - One of the NFL's
advisory committees on Clean Halftime Shows, located in this infamous
Ozarks fishing retreat, has expanded the list of potential Super
Bowl halftime acts with several suggestions that easily
received league approval. Let Others Parent, a group that believes
parents do a crappy job raising their kids because they don't
delegate responsibility to outside sources, has suggested several
interesting halftime show twists, including an Extreme Makeover
of the locker rooms, a shortened version of the new "Promise
Keepers On Ice!" and re-enactments of some Rebel victories
from the Civil War. Counting the recent addition of Curt
Schilling's Funny Bible Moments, the NFL's list of potential
halftime acts is up to 51.
TIME TRAVELER SAYS SPORTALICIOUS! 'NOT
AS FUNNY' IN 2015!
Livermore, CA - A Stanford grad
student who volunteered to try the Jet Propulsion Lab's new Time
Traveling Carousel returned from the near future with the news,
among other things, that the Sportalicious! sports parody website
'hit a plateau' about 2011 and leveled off at that point. Phillip
John Splibster, 27, of Marin, a quantum mechanics grad student
and part-time flute player, said the top stories in the Sportalicious!
issue he saw were "Yankee Curse At 13!," "God Naps
Through Notre Dame Loss" and "Bonds Resting Comfortably
On Detox Planet!" Experts agree those are predictably functional
but unspectacular laughs. In addition, Splibster said President
Jeb Bush had invaded Iraq to attempt to finish
what his brother, dad and clone could not in previous White House
terms. Splibster added that 'Hooters' was all
topless in the future and that gold had become worthless and had
been replaced as precious jewelry by lapel microphones.
DOPING SCANDAL INVOLVES SEVERAL DOPES!
Grindgrit, TX - An FBI sting operation intended
to bring down a college dope ring netted over 17 dopes on several
different campuses! The FBI confiscated only two-and-a-half pounds
of low-quality Mexican marijuana but well over a dozen really,
really stupid young men, most of them members of a frat that unbeknownst
to them had been disbanded in 1991. The campuses included Careening
Junior College in Bump Mesa, Texas, Flightrisk State in Nebraska,
University of The Slight Incline in western Kansas and Oblong
Peg College in Square Hole, Colorado.
DRIVER FINED FOR SAYING 'DADGUM!'
Pffftt Ding!, NC - Saturday's Pffft Ding Spittoon
300 at Landfill Raceway was marred by another post-game fine after
a verbal brouhaha following Flip Chucks' rain-shortened 17-lap
victory. Pernie Bantrups, who is just behind Chucks in the Used
Asian Import Pickup Truck standings, said it was a 'dadgum' shame
that it started raining, and before he could wink, NASCAR
hit him with a $50,000 fine and a 100-point deduction, which dropped
Bantrups behind Chucks and Vernon Phil Tree in the UAIPT standings.
"Dadgum, Dolgurn, Goldang, they all mean motherf*$%ker to
us," said NASCAR religious enforcement chief May Lynn Nosey,
"and we're not tolerating it!"
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