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| HEY! |
| Catch Sportalicious! "friend"
Jeff Cesario on the Howard
Stern Show on Wednesday, Nov. 10 |
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"Yes. Right away, Jesus." |
Lake Las Vegas, NV - Citing a 'brutal'
number of calls lately, Jesus announced Monday that he would be installing
call-waiting on his prayer line in an attempt to 'clear out' some of the
requests for his help. "I mean damn, man," said Jesus, "Bush
is on the horn all frigging day. ALL day. 'Should I invade?' 'Is Cheney
really Your Dad?' 'What's a pomegranate?' Then Red Sox
players nearly crashed my mainframe during game seven of the World
Series. I mean, I got 'em past the Yanks, the
Series I figured they could try and win it fair and square on their own,
but Jesus, after 700,000 idiot calls bothering me, it was just easier
to mess with A-Rod's head and go get a decent night's
sleep." Jesus added that born-again Sox pitcher Curt Schilling
and whoever the priest is who's renegotiating Notre Dame's
TV contract have logged six thousand prayer chat requests between them
in the last three days alone. "The priest I get, I mean, even a 7-4
overall record will not cut it with Zucker over at NBC,
he's a tough bastard, I couldn't even get him to buy 'Touched By An Angel.'
But what the hell happened to Schilling?" Disgruntled Jesus paused
and chugged from a bottle of Sierra Mist. "He's like, 'Thanks again
for the World Series, I just wanna see if you're busy Tuesday, I got a
charity golf thing and I'd like to kick some ass.' Hey dude, HIT THE DRIVING
RANGE, I gotta get back to war and trying to limp Social Security along
for another decade. I've had to turn the 'I want a baby'/'I don't want
a baby' hotline over to Saint Luke. And that used to be one of my favorite
things." Jesus said he's also considering an automated prayer-call
line because "a lot of the born-agains are used to that automated
thing from throwin' their money down the crapper calling those televangelists."
Jesus said he may hire Ron Zook to do some clerical work
because, "I feel bad. Gator fans are rough."
He then had to excuse himself so, according to him, he could find an "apt
punishment for the people who came up with Sierra Mist. This is just piss."
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