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SPORTALICIOUS
TO INAUGURATE IT'S OWN BOWL!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious! managing editor
Chet Waterhouse announced mere moments
ago that the website has finally inked a deal to sponsor a college
bowl game this year! Sportalicious! signed a one-year, let's-see-what-happens
deal with the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh
to lease Titan stadium on Dec. 23rd for five hours. the game is
currently slated to pit the ninth-place Big Ten
team against the 7th place Mid American Conference
team, provided each has four season wins. The NCAA,
which demands teams win at least six games to become bowl eligible,
said the Sportalicious! bowl would not be sanctioned. But Waterhouse
preferred to describe the bowl game as 'sanction-free!' Waterhouse
hammered out an independent deal with UW-Oshkosh after talks with
the Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho broke down
over money, which apparently the Boise people were seeking. UW-Oshkosh
will not be liable for maintenance or support crew, but must keep
the lavatory pipes unfrozen.
BERMAN PULLS ROTATOR CUFF REACHING
FOR NICKNAME!
Bristol, CT - ESPN's volume-bustin'
announcer, Chris Berman, had to be helped from
his NFL Halftime set Monday night after collapsing
in pain reaching for a nickname reference. Berman is known for
tagging players with fun, clever, odd, impossible-to-figure-out
nicknames, but he trumped himself Monday night, and his right
rotator cuff paid the price. Berman, attempting to create something
snazzy for Bronco quarterback Danny Kanell,
got caught in Jewish throat consonants halfway through "Danny
Kvetch-Knitch-Knachis-Kachhhis-Kanell," and tried to bail
out to his right when he heard a pop. He was taken to the College
Gameday Medical Emergency Truck, where Kirk Herbstreit
wrapped the shoulder, cut Berman's hair, gave him some skin products
and sent him home.
TIGER'S SLUMP CONTINUES!
Unfair Island, FL - Tiger Woods
dramatic fall from the perch atop the world of golf continued
this week when he tumbled all the way to second place on this
year's money list. With only one or two, or maybe it's four, events
left, it appears veteran Vijay Singh will win
the money title, and Tiger's handlers are on suicide watch. "This
is devastating," said Tiger's personal Cuban cigar roller,
"I mean, he may not break six and a half million dollars!"
The cigar roller said he's already looking for work, perhaps in
the California governor's mansion, because Tiger will both cut
his staff due to the drastic shortfall and also wallow in self-pity
and miss even more events. The fall from grace is so complete
that Courtney Love called Woods' mansion offering
free Vicodin for a place to crash.
MN, WI GOVERNORS' BET BUDGET DEFICITS!
Minneapolis, MN - The next installment in one
of the oldest rivalries in college football - Minnesota
vs. Wisconsin - takes place Saturday morning
in the Metrodome, and Minnesota governor Tim
Pawlenty and Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle
have eschewed the usual bet - fifty pounds of gopher meat for
fifty pounds of processed cheese slices - and will instead bet
actual money in an effort to offset their respective state budget
deficits. With Minnesota the odds-on favorite to win, Pawlenty
will put up $350,000 dollars to win $300,000, while Doyle will
put up $200,000 dollars to win $300,000. With both states in the
red, Pawlenty put up seven Highway Department snowplows as collateral,
while Doyle put up the dome and rotunda of his state capitol building
as collateral. The winner will also be able to charge his entire
deer tick fogging costs to the opposing state.
ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS LEAGUE TO DEBUT!
Bay St. Ernie's, Mississippi - Catfish County
officials announced this week that the All-American Rock-Paper-Scissors
League will debut on schedule Saturday night on the Commodore
Parlay's Gamblin' Riverboat, docked in Bay St. Ernie's harbor
one inch from dry land. The AARPSL kicks off with a match between
league favorites - the Shreveport Callouses and the Cape Girardeau
Cuticles. Team rosters total 12 players, a coach and a dermatologist.
Five singles matches and two 'Swiss Doubles' matches comprise
the competitive slate. Substitutions are allowed only in the event
of a palm cramp or carpal-tunnel syndrome. The league is sponsored
by Warts-Off Wart Drops.
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