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SUPER BOWL HALFTIME HUNT CONTINUES!
Prayerville, GA - The National Football
League's Entertainment Oversight Committee, established
after Janet Jackson's sinful Super Bowl
halftime last year and located in this city with at least one
church for every citizen, announced today that it has added several
new entries to its list of potential haftime entertainment acts.
New on the expanding list are: Kenny G playing
to a puppy, A Dr. Phil episode on family fun,
and a pancake and porky link cookoff. The possibility was also
suggest that the leader of the Catholic church, the Pope, may
want to do a number, probably something from "Little Shop
Of Horrors."
MADDEN: MOTOR COACH LOBBY BLACKMAILED
ME!
Truckstop Junction, MO - Fox NFL
analyst John Madden has accused the bus industry
of strong-arming him into his use of a motor coach to get around
the country. "I don't mind flying at all!" said Madden,
who's running through his quota of exclamation points early this
year. "In fact, I kinda like the food on the airplane! Little
samiches with a bag of Fritos, nice touch! But these palookas
in the bus industry, they claim to have photos of me with Al
Davis getting pedicures at a day spa! Get outta town!
When I finally remembered we never got a pedicure that day, I
said, 'no more rousting me, you bus ruffians!" Madden added
that bus fumes actually make him nauseous and the little "pshh-pssshhhh"
noise the door makes when it opens and closes drives him out of
his mind.
THREE CARD MONTY LEAGUE IN TROUBLE!
New York, NY - After only three weeks of existence,
the American Three Card Monty League is in danger of being shut
down! The New York Sceedaddlers, Philadelphia Fleecers, Boston
Fraud Sox and Washington FlimFlams have all run afoul of the law
during the league's opening week. The league was predicated on
the fact that, though three card monty is illegal, it is generally
considered a misdemeanor. The miscalculation came when league
officials realized, too late, that it was considered a felony
for out of state culprits. The visiting Fraud Sox and FlimFlams
are still being held pending extradition to their home states.
Five tourists from Minnesota had $1300 in $20-bets refunded to
them.
TRICK OR TREATER STARTS FOR BEARS
AT QB!
Chicago, IL - Two hours before last Sunday night's
NFL game, a trick-or-treating Evanston teen dressed as a Chicago
Bears' player was mistaken for an actual Chicago Bears
player by head coach Lovie Smith, who thought
it was his rookie QB Craig Krenzel, looking for
a ride. On the drive to Soldier Field, Smith
filled the head of 15-year-old Gus Blaupunkt with several new
twists to the Bears' playbook, then announced to the locker room
that Blaupunkt, aka "Krenzel," would start. Blaupunkt
hyper-ventilated, then went out and completed 7 of 10 passes for
123 yards and helped the Bears to a 13-13 halftime tie with the
San Francisco 49ers. At that point Blaupunkt's
mother arrived to take him back home to study for a big civics
test Monday at Flelman Junior High.
DAMON ESCORTED FROM 'SNL' AFTER REGISTERING
LAUGH!
New York, NY - World Champion Boston
Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon, who
performed a cameo with cast member Seth Meyers
during this past weekend's edition of "Saturday Night
Live," was escorted from Thirty Rockefeller Plaza
by producer Lorne Michaels and two overweight
but armed security guards after Damon got a laugh bigger than
any cast member up to that point in the show. "It's just
rude," said Michaels, "If they ask me to throw out the
first pitch at Fenway Park, I don't toss a 95-mile-an-hour
fastball at the chin of the catcher." Michaels added, "You
think they might ask me to throw out the first pitch? Because
I would. Seriously. In the Hamptons, Paul Simon
and I often lob beautiful, catchable balls back and forth with
Puff Daddy, or Tom Hanks when
he's in town."
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