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BIN LADEN TIRES
OF BARTMAN, PUTS STUFF ON FRONT LAWN!
Tuckaway, Afghanistan - Infamous Chicago
Cubs fan Steve Bartman, who had to leave
town after screwing up the Cubs chances of beating the Florida
Marlins by interfering with a catchable foul ball, has
admitted the honeymoon is over between him and his hideaway host
for the past week, Osama Bin Laden (link).
Osama had taken in the sports orphan last week, but when Bartman
returned from a Taliban pot luck Monday evening, he found all
his stuff outside Bin Laden's impossible-to-find Tudor duplex
in the Afghan mountains and the door locked. Bin Laden refused
to talk to the press but released a statement saying, "nothing
in the Koran can help this putz."
BOSOX ALMOST FORGET TO FIRE MANAGER!
Boston, MA - Boston Red Sox
ownership admitted this week that it "nearly forgot"
to fire manager Grady Little and woke up just
before his contractual deadline had passed. Little cost the BoSox
a shot at the World Series and a chance to break
their six-hundred year curse when he did not pull starting pitcher
Pedro Martinez out of the seventh game of the
league championship series against the New York Yankees
even though Martinez had not only lost all velocity on his pitches
but had actually gone to sleep on the mound and begun snoring.
Little said in his own defense at the time that you "stay
with your ace, even if he's slipped into a stage-three coma."
Martinez fell asleep sometime in the fourh inning and claims he
can't remember a thing after that until he awakened during a latenight
repeat of the Latin MTV Awards three days later.
SPORTALICIOUS! IN TALKS WITH
HUMANITARIAN BOWL!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious! has initiated
talks with B-level college bowl game the Humanitarian
Bowl in an effort to salvage attempts to sponsor at least
some bowl game this season, even if it's in a "freezing,
blue-turfed hell like Boise," said managing editor Chet
Waterhouse. Waterhouse and Sportalicious had been quite optimistic
things would work out with the Fiesta Bowl (link)
until Fiesta Bowl officials discovered the many messages left
by a "Mr. Bill Gates regarding bowl sponsorship" were
indeed left by Waterhouse. Waterhouse said the misdirection tactic
was commonplace in the cutthroat world of big business, adding,
"When people want to get into a conversation with me, they
always lie to me about who they are." Waterhouse did not
respond when it was suggested people were lying to him in order
to get OUT of conversations with him.
REVAMPED SKINS GAME TO BE PLAYED
NAKED!
Pottery Kiln, AZ - Officials of the Skins game,
the annual match play golf tournament pitting four wealthy golfers
against each other for no real reason, announced a bold move to
a new format that would mandate tournament participants actually
play completely nude this year. "We're trying to provide
alternative programming for belching, overstuffed, fat male viewers
during the Thanksgiving football marathons," said Skins spokesman
Len Parch, "and we think this could finally drag 'em away."
Parch said invitations had been withdrawn from Lee Trevino
and Duffy Waldorf and had been extended to Annika
Sorenstam, Anna Kournikova, Gabrielle
Reece and Carmen Electra. "We get
those babes, and suddenly who gives a s*&t about Texas-Texas
A&M?!" ABC said it would continue
its telecast of the event, with pixillation where needed.
FOREMAN 'TOO FAT' TO SPONSOR 'LEAN'
GRILLE!
Mosquito Bay, TX - Former heavyweight champ George
Foreman just got too damn fat and can no longer legally
sponsor a lean, healthy grilling apparatus, according to the Food
& Drug Administration. FDA spokesman Don Fairlane
said, "We saw George with Jim Lampley and
Larry Merchant covering some fight between two
Latin guys, and he was humongous. They had him sitting ringside
on his own sofa. We saw a sumo wrestler come up between rounds
and ask him how he does it. He actually ate Larry Merchant's arm.
With regards to his grille, that's just flat-out false advertising."
Fairlane said Foreman can avoid serious federal charges if he
would change the name of the grille to "George Foreman's
Fat-Ass Grease Sled."
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ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT...really...try
it. Please? |
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