New York, NY - Will the brutal suffering
of New York Yankees fans ever end? Not this year - again!
The notorious "Yankee curse" extended to a full three seasons
Saturday as the Florida Marlins beat the Bronx Bombers
to take the 2003 World Series in six games. This means
Yankee fans have gone over 36 months without winning a World Series, a
gaping chasm that many attribute to the "Curse of David Cone,"
the former Yankee pitcher who left the Yankees after 2000 for the Boston
Red Sox, and at the time said New York City was "a little too bustling
for me." Some long-suffering Yanks fans attempted to break the curse
this year by not spitting on tourists or killing them, all in an effort
to make New York seem more small-town. It obviously failed miserably,
and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has set up
temporary counseling centers in the crew-neck t-shirt sections of Gap
stores throughout the city. He also grudgingly paid off his bet with Miami
mayor Manny Diaz, sending ten Puerto Rican hookers to
service the Miami city council for a month. Had the Yankees won, New York
would have received 200 pounds of whole marlin on ice with packs of pure
black tar heroin hidden deep in the gullets.
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"Yeah. That's him
- the swarthy guy!
He's the new coach! I'm not kiddin'."
Miami, FL - A teary-eyed
Pat Riley stepped down as head coach
of the NBA's Miami Heat this past weekend,
citing his continuing attractiveness. "My looks
just are not deteriorating with age as expected,"
said the slick-haired Riley, "In fact, in some
ways, I'm getting more attractive, and I think it's
detrimental to this team and this franchise." Riley
said several players' wives have hit on him and many
good-looking women at bars have passed right by his
players and hustled him instead. Riley will continue
on as general manager but has agreed to wear several
fake moles. Replacing Riley as head coach is Stan
Van Gundy, who is chubbier, hairier, doesn't
wear a suit well, and according to a team source, "always
looks like a New York cab driver in sweltering heat."
Van Gundy has on several occasions been mistaken for
a terrorist at regional airports. He told his players
and their wives that as an added precaution he would
not shower for two weeks.
