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YANKEES CURSE AT TWO!
New York, NY - The New York Yankees
are stewing in their own juices this week, wondering how to break
a staggering baseball curse that has now reached two full years.
"We can't dwell on it," said manager Joe Torre
from a posh resort in Tahiti, "but honestly, I think we may
have to get rid of Alex Rodriguez..." "Rodriguez
may be our Bambino," agreed Yank stud Derek Jeter,
"I mean, what was with that gay slapping move at first base?"
Said catcher Jorge Posada, "I hate to talk
bad of another latin, but nobody white can get nailed for this.
I think Rodriguez is the guy who's making this a curse..."
Alex Rodriguez said, "I think it's Kevin Brown.
But it might be me. That slapping thing was pretty gay."
BUSH, KERRY ADD LAST-MINUTE 'JENGA'
DEBATE!
Washington, DC - Agreeing there was plenty of
'unfinished business' between each other, President George
W. Bush and challenger John Kerry have
agreed to a fourth debate that will consist entirely of a game
of Jenga. The debate will take place Friday night October 29th
at the Castle O' Fun Toy-eteria inside the Erie-tastic Ameri-Mall
in the battleground city of Cleveland, Ohio. The contest will
be moderated by the Game Show Network's Chuck Woolery,
and the candidates will alternate playing a turn and answering
questions submitted to Woolery by mall workers. Woolery's toughest
tasks will be successfully controlling his penchant for witty
bon mots (known in the industry as "Wooleries") during
the more serious moments of the contest and also translating the
mallworkers' questions from Spanish. Woolery has been boning up
by trying to be more serious on his hit GSN show
"Lingo." JengaCorp is ready to issue a Presidential
Edition Game provided the debate gets decent ratings. The special
edition Jenga pieces would be made of varnished bull droppings.
'CAJOLING DEER INTO GIVING UP'
SEASON OPENS!
Bad Musk Odor, IA - Iowa is the first state to
attempt a deer hunt in which hunters must coax the deer into surrendering.
"It's the most humane way to get a deer," said Susan
Weirdshoes of the organization Earth 'N Stuff. But Al Floodblitz
of Killers In Our Midst countered, "Cajoling takes too long
and you have to look the deer in the eyes, and that's how they
get the upper hand." Floodblitz said cajoling can often spoil
the meat as well. "A gun is the best way to take out these
disease-laden monsters of the prairie who terrorize our children."
Iowa said the season runs from Halloween to November 10, unless
a hunter is in mid-cajole, in which case he can keep going until
he 'bags' the deer or it walks away.
NEW NASCAR SANCTIONS!
Dipthong, KY - The governing body of stock car
racing, NASCAR, has instituted tough sanctions
to prevent drivers from cussing anymore, as in the case of Dale
Earnhardt Jr., who said "s*%t" in a post-race
press conference last week. Mary Louise Frawg of the Gladys Kravitz
Christian Coalition endorsed NASCAR'S new sanctions. "S*%t"
is a bad, bad, word," said Frawg, "it's wrong, wrong,
wrong to say! It takes away from the purity of seein' a boy win
a race through hard work and illegal driving tactics and then
get doused for ten minutes in a beer shower. That's a beautiful
thing that's just plain sullied by the curse words of Beelzebub."
NASCAR said a player who swears will be fined, docked points,
and forced to ride the next race on just three tires.
COUNCIL UNVEILS HALLOWEEN FIREWORKS!
Port Graffitti, MO - The Illegal Fireworks Industry
Council continues to push its agenda to involve fireworks in other
holidays with a festive display of new Halloween firecrackers
that included the PumpkinBlaster, the Widowmaker, the TricksterStick,
the CandyDandy and the Voodoo Child. When informed that illegal
fireworks could create even more danger on what is already considered
a mischievous and potentially dangerous night, a spokesman for
the IFIC known simply as 'Eddie X' said, "People are tired
of bein' fake scared, they wanna be real scared." X then
leaned back inside the tinted window of his Chevy Avalanche and
drove off.
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