"Too warm for beezbal," said Nikolai.

Boston, MA - Sportalicious! reporters who disguised themselves as ear muff vendors infiltrated famed Fenway Park last weekend and discovered the most shocking fact of this or any other baseball post-season -- the hairy, Cro-Magnon looking players of the darling Boston Red Sox are NOT the actual Red Sox but a lineup of secretly trained, non-English speaking Serbians snuck into the country by meat truck three months ago from the Canadian Serbian enclave of Putz, Quebec! What gave it away was the unkempt facial hair, the poorly trimmed haircuts, the head lice, the groin rashes, the neck growths and the chewing of pig fat instead of tobacco. The Serbians began playing baseball five years ago in Putz, inspired on a dare from Putz mayor Cord Vahic, that they could beat the Montreal Expos in an exhibition game despite never having played baseball. After nine days of practice, the Serbians beat the Expos 7-1 on a three-hitter from Vad Kabuhic, a former slaughterhouse fat-trimmer who upon sneaking into the States shaved his four-foot beard to more closely resemble Kurt Schilling. The victory over the Expos raised $371 Canadian dollars for the Putz Elk Petting Zoo, but more importantly was observed by future Boston Red Sox owner John Henry, passing through Canada as a special envoy enforcing the International Maple Syrup Proviso. Henry apparently hatched the plan to sneak the Serbs into America inside an O'Pot Roast semi-trailer. The Serbs have 'declined interviews' during this post-season because only four of them know any English, and they're limited to phrases like, "Green Monster not very scary" and "Cubs? Cubs are leetle bears!" David Ortiz, Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez are actually lifelong native Putzians who ran the local convenience store and lotto outlet and actually speak fluent Slavik. The real Red Sox are resting comfortably at a log cabin resort in Quebec. Amazingly, according to baseball bylaws, nothing illegal was done, provided none of the Serbs test positive for steroids.