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SPORTALICIOUS
MAY SPONSOR FIESTA BOWL!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicious! world international
headquarters released a statement Monday announcing the website
is in intense negotiations to make itself the official sponsor
of the Fiesta Bowl! "We're talkin' to a
couple guys I know at the Phoenix airport who handle some of the
charter flights," said Sportalicious! managing editor Chet
Waterhouse, "and they handed out peanuts to a couple
of the people from the Fiesta Bowl, and they told me the Fiesta
Bowl people are tired of the Doritos people!
I've never been able to figure out how Doritos and Fiesta bowl
tie together anyway. What the hell does 'fiesta' mean?!"
Negotiations with the airport's two junior docking executives
will continue Friday.
HOCKEY TO TRY EXPLODING PUCKS!
Buffalo, NY - The National Hockey League,
unable to increase dismal television ratings with sanctioned knife
fights, has okayed a plan to use pucks that explode at random.
The pucks, made by McDonnell-Douglas, are pre-set
at the factory to explode within fifteen minutes of being switched
on. Goalies have temporarily waived requests for hazard pay in
order to give the NHL's idea a chance. The only issue that hasn't
been addressed is those pucks that are knocked into the stands
unexploded. Fans attending home games are urged to bring oven
mitts and and small lead-lined boxes with them.
OSU'S REYNOLDS CLAIMS HE WAS FAITH HEALING!
Columbus, OH - Ohio State University
linebacker Robert Reynolds, mildly disciplined
with a one-game suspension for having choked Wisconsin
quarterback Jim Sorgi, has retracted his apology
and now claims he was attempting to break congestion in Sorgi's
airways by 'laying hands' on the qb in an impromptu religious
ceremony. Reynolds is reportedly a devout New Methodist Testosterite,
a narrow sect that claims it can heal human injuries by ingesting
massive amounts of MuscleMax and then putting tremendous force
on the body part in question. The sect also insists on holding
prayer meetings at lingerie clubs to improve their focus and requests
converts have a GPA no higher than 2.3.
DALY TO PGA: "I'VE GOT BOOZE RIGHT
IN MY PUTTER!"
Bubbly Bay, FL - Hilarious alcoholic and PGA
fan favorite John Daly has informed the sport's
governing body that he routinely fills his putter shaft with a
top-quality single-malt scotch, unscrewing the handle periodically
during a round to take a belt. Sober Daly was such a public relations
disaster that the tour has given him several blind exemptions
for just such innovations, provided they help him keep up his
laugh-a-minute crowd-pleasing antics. Those antics include 'giving
up', 'throwing his ball', and 'not caring.' Daly also has a driver
full of wood-grain alcohol and a six-iron with a Pez
dispenser grip that holds hydrocodone.
WILLIAMS CAN BE TACKLED BY DREADS,
GONADS!
Miami, FL - The NFL announced
this week that it is indeed legal for any defender to tackle Miami
Dolphins running back Ricky Williams
by his flowing dreadlocks, or for that matter, any appendage that's
sticking out of his regulation uniform too far. When pressed,
commissioner Paul Tagliabue had to admit with
some degree of reticence that it might include, "his Johnson."
Reporters pretended they didn't know what Tagliabue meant by 'Johnson'
and made him reiterate the ruling several times using the synonyms
'man slab,' 'chorizo' and 'bit o' honey.'
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