Hey! Is that a Shlatzman's on his cooler?

Tuckaway, Afghanistan - In what some experts are considering a startling olive branch of peace, Al Qaeda president-pro-tem Osama Bin Laden has offered the guest room at his never-been-detected hideout to infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman. "The kid reached for a foul ball, I mean, who wouldn't?" said Bin Laden in a videotape aired on the Al-Jazeera show "NightCenter For Sport Things," hosted by Mohammed Jafir and Moammar Hussein. Bin Laden added that Bartman would have full access to the kitchen, pantry and laundry room, saying, "If he knocks off a few of these double fudge Oreos, he's doing me a favor!" Said United Nations spokesman Tu Chin, "This is definitely an olive branch of peace, although there's a small chance it's an olive branch of war, which is thicker and darker with kind of a prickly bark. We know this - the branch is olive. We'll see for sure which kind when the kid gets there." Bartman's airline ticket to Pakistan is being paid for by the Florida Marlins, and not a moment too soon - his home in Chicago has been burned to the ground and every member of his family except his dad has been pummeled to death by foul balls hit directly at them off the bats of drunk Cubs fans under the tutelage of outfielder Moises Alou. Bartman's dad is a White Sox fan. He said, "I thought it was time he moved out anyway, that leechin' pansy-ass." Bartman will be secretly followed by a crack CIA unit, which plans to lose track of him in the Afghan mountains.