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BOILERMAKERS: BOILERMAKING DISTRACTED US!
West Lafayette, IN - The Purdue
Boilermakers football team, which was upset 20-17 at
home Saturday by the Wisconsin Badgers, have
blamed their poor showing on an increased workload this fall making
boilers for the university. 'We've got boiler orders backing up,
apparently," said assistant offensive line coach Gordon "Chop"
Block, "and the guys have had trouble juggling the boilermaking
with both football practice and reading their press clippings."
The university says it's economically necessary to have students
build the boilers or else they would have to outsource the boilermaking
to Bangladesh.
DOLPHINS MAY TRY FIELD HOCKEY!
Miami, FL - After a stunning defeat to seven
guys in street shoes from Buffalo, the once-proud
Miami Dolphins, winless in six games this season,
have informed the NFL that for the remainder
of the season they may take a shot at women's professional field
hockey instead. Currently there isn't a women's professional field
hockey league, but the NFL has put out a few feelers and gotten
good feedback from women's field hockey clubs in Elko, Nevada,
Duluth, Minnesota and Kenosha, Wisconsin.
KERRY 'HAS PLAN' TO CLEAN UP POKER!
Hifalutin', MA - After outlining plans to save
America's wetlands, increase health insurance coverage and derive
energy from discarded restaurant garnish, presidential hopeful
John Kerry said he was the candidate who could
clean up celebrity poker shows "once and for all." Kerry's
plan involves electronically monitoring these shows and then waiting
until there actually is any sort of problem with these shows.
"There surely will be a scandal and I for one want America
to be prepared!" Kerry's rival, President George
W. Bush, said he was unaware of any celebrity poker shows,
as none of them are animated.
AFL-CIO: HOCKEY NOT OFFICIAL STRIKE
TIL SOMEONE NOTICES!
Chicago, IL - America's chief labor union, the
AFL-CIO, issued a statement Tuesday saying no one involved with
professional hockey could refer to their current labor dispute
as a 'strike' until someone outside the State of Minnesota actually
knows or cares what's going on. Said union spokesman Vin Boom,
"Until a newscaster, or at least a sportscaster, or at the
very least a weather girl engaging in banal inane chit chat says
something like, 'Hey, is there like, not any hockey going on or
something?', we can't sanction it as an official strike."
SPORTALICIOUS BATTLES STUPID
LAWSUIT!
Cheddar Falls, WI - An Arizona State
University co-ed describing herself as some sort of legitimate
sports fan has filed suit against Sportalicious! insisting it
drop any form of the word "sport" from its name until
it's able to run some actual scores on its website. "I went
there to see who won the Astros/Cardinals game," said this
supposed girl sports fan, "and there wasn't a score to be
found!" Sportalicious managing editor Chet
Waterhouse said he's working on a system to bring actual scores
to the website but that the technology is "light years away!"
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