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STATE OF
MINNESOTA OUTLAWS OPTIMISM!
St. Paul, MN - In the wake of the Minnesota
Gophers' stunning collapse and subsequent 38-35 loss
to the University of Michigan last Friday, the
Minnesota state legislature Monday officially outlawed any public
displays of optimism regarding the Golden Gophers. Any verbal
or print usage of optimistic words like "bounceback,"
"rebound" and "win" will be considered misdemeanors
and result in a fine and probation. Any waving of flags with toothy
Gophers on them, or usage of blue plastic trumpet horns to precede
yells of "Go Gophers!" will be considered a felony and
subject to a year in jail and $10,000 fine. Anyone who defends
head coach Glen Mason will be considered armed
and dangerous and apprehended at gunpoint. Proceeds from Optimism
violations will go towards building a new lacrosse field on campus.
Officials at the U said if all goes well, they may actually consider
putting together a lacrosse team.
GOALPOST MANUFACTURERS RAISE PRICES!
Soot, IN - In a shocking move, the American Association
of Goalpost Manufacturers, which includes all three builders of
goalposts in the USA, announced they are raising the price of
goalposts 300 percent, effective immediately. Over nine universities
had their goalposts torn down over the weekend, and AAGM spokesman
Bert Van Hackum said, "This is our chance to make a little
dough. It's not exactly the Hunt Brothers cornering the international
silver markets, but this is the rustbelt, it's all we got."
The price increase is tantamount to illegal price fixing, but
the federal government does not list goalposts under its anti-trust
laws. Until this bonanza, the goalpost industry has been in a
huge recession and has had to resort to selling goalpost posts
as fire hydrant dent protectors.
GREY DAVIS TO COVER GOLF!
Sacramento, CA - Sportalicious! has learned that
former California Governor Grey Davis will join
the USA Network's golf coverage team as a super-quiet
tower play-by-play man. "Davis is dull, monotone, droning,
stiff, uncreative, flat, bland, near-dead - he's perfect,"
said USA sports exec Kelbie Hellagood, adding, "too many
of the new guys want to show some personality. They're just using
the gig as a steppingstone to real sports announcer jobs. Selfish
hacks. I think they're wrecking America." Hellagood says
Davis is like a dog rescued from the pound and has promised to
"kiss every ass he can find."
ROMANOWSKI JOINS KOBE DEFENSE
TEAM!
Eagle, CO - Filthy dirty Oakland Raiders
linebacker Bill Romanowski has been hired to
bolster Kobe Bryant's defense team as it prepares
to scam and trickerize its way around the rape charges filed against
Bryant. "We needed a winner," said Kobe's lead attorney
Pamela Mackey after the pit bull muzzle was removed from her face
by a handler, "and Mr. Romanowski knows how to win."
Ms Mackey added that Romanowski would "soften" the team's
image in court. "He'll be 'good cop' to my 'bad cop',"
Mackey said before suddenly biting the leg of Associated
Press reporter Nan Overlin. Overlin was taken to Navajo
Medical Center and Casino, where she is hallucinating comfortably
on a peyote i.v. drip, and is six hundred dollars up at Keno.
NHL SEASON BEGINS UNDER BLANKET OF SECRECY!
Detroit, MI - Under a shroud of secrecy, the
National Hockey League began play this week in
hopes of avoiding distracting TV coverage and fan attendance.
The league has been plagued by overt popularity and needs to cut
back drastically in order for it to survive. With fans beginning
to know where arenas are located and television networks sniffing
around to fill their 3am on-air slots, the NHL was being courted
in what the league called a sleazy and dysfunctional way. "Hockey
is meant to be played in half-filled arenas and broadcast only
on radio or better yet, telegraph lines," said commissioner
Gary Bettman. "If we 'catch on', we'll have
to alter the product to something more entertaining and watchable,
and I won't have the integrity of the sport demeaned, not on my
watch!" Bettman then took a plain brown airplane to the undisclosed
location for a Columbus Blue Jackets game, where
he sang the National Anthem and played organ himself.
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