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WE'RE
ON TV! |
| See Sportalicious! "friend"
Jeff Cesario on ESPN's "Rome is Burning" on Oct.
14 and Oct. 21. |
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"Ya you. In the 4th row. Your question?"
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Boston, MA - In the wake of Saturday's
ugly brawl between the New York Yankees and Boston
Red Sox at Fenway Park, 72-year-old Yankee bench
coach Don Zimmer told Boston Police that Sox pitcher
Pedro Martinez put him under a voodoo spell in pre-game
warmups that built in intensity over several innings and eventually caused
him to run onto the field and attack the pitcher! Zimmer claims that 30
minutes before game time he requested something "oatmealy" to
eat, and a mysterious clubhouse attendant brought him a steaming bowl
of red goo that he insisted was Malto-Meal. Tests have
shown the substance was goat entrails mixed with chicken blood and topped
with a tremendous amount of brown sugar. Zimmer said he didn't really
care because all he wanted was something "creamy hot." Only
after finishing did Zimmer notice that the bowl he was eating from was
actually a human skull with Ted Williams' name scrawled
on it in Spanish. Over several innings Zimmer became disoriented, made
worse by the peyote chewing gum he found in his locker. He finally snapped
and charged Martinez, who he insisted looked more like "a horse with
great breasts and mag wheels." Martinez effortlessly hurled Zimmer
aside with a combination martial arts move and skin facial technique known
as the "caress throw." Zimmer was initially stunned but later
admitted his face felt "cleansed and tingly." A gutted goat
was found near the park, but Red Sox officials insist it was "Gutted
Goat Night" at Fenway.
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