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(Bear Stearns bond market analyst and
football fantasy expert Alan
Castagna gives his tips regularly in Sportalicious!
'Regularly' is about once every six months, but whenever
we get him on the phone to complain, he seems very busy.
And unpleasant. So here you go.)
Alright, f$#kos, quit trying to figure out a way to get
to Jenna Jameson's porn site on your workstation
computer and listen up. Maybe if you actually absorb what
I tell you, you can become the alpha male of your pathetic
little coffee klatch of spineless losers, okay there, chubby?
Okay.
By position:
QUARTERBACK - F$#k Favre.
What is he, 90? They had to call a timeout against Kansas
City to give him a prostate exam. How about somebody
who DOESN'T strain his ballsac gettin' out of a Barcalounger?
McNabb. He's black, he's f$#kin' pissed,
he's gonna zing it around the yard just to jam it up Limbaugh's
a$$.
Excuse me, did I just hear you say, "I'm not sure about
McNabb?" WHY DO I WASTE MY TIME?! I have clients to
rape, why don't you just go do a Google search for "p#@ssy?!"
Guess what comes up? You.
RUNNING BACK - Uh, excuse me, you little
Marshall Faulk dweebs, but the dad on "Frasier"
moves better than MF does nowadays. Back up the truck to
Green Bay and load up a big fresh order
of Ahman Green. But nooo, you won't, you
gutless whore. Let me guess - you ALMOST got eBay
stock five years ago. Right. Go ahead, take Faulk and I'll
stomp you like a stoolie at a Sopranos
wedding.
RECEIVER - Get Terrell Owens.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's right you know what you're doing because
you hang out at a sports bar where you pay triple for shots
because some chick with big fake t*ts pours them. Okay there,
Stephen Hawking, stay with Keshawn
Johnson. Hey, what was that sound? Me FLYING past
you in the standings.
Helloooo?! Did you just 'sass' me?! I work for Bear Stearns!
You put rocker panels on Chevy Blazers.
See?! This is why I can't do this more than once a year.
Okay then, bybye, have a nice dinner at the Loser Buffet.
If you ever call my Blackberry I'll kill you.
ALAN CASTAGNA
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