|
LOOPHOLES UNDERMINE NASCAR POINT SYSTEM!
Gasketville, AL - Acting on a tip from a pit
crew member who'd been run down too many times, the Gasketville
Clarion Bugle Times Journal today shocked the racing world with
a scathing review of NASCAR's point system that
revealed gross inequities. Although the public is under the impression
drivers can only win points competing on the track, the Clarion
Bugle Times Journal analyzed the fine print and discovered that
a driver can earn fifty extra points for hitting an opposing pit
crew member and twenty extra points for getting on "Sportscenter"
by making an obscene hand gesture at an opposing driver. NASCAR
had no comment except to say it's okay to hit opposing crew members
provided no one says "S*$t" while doing it.
BALCO COMES OUT WITH WHOLE LINE OF
PRODUCTS!
Oakland, CA - BALCO, the Bay Area company in
charge of keeping the correct chemical mix bubbling inside Barry
Bonds' bloodstream but has nothing to do with sterioids,
unveiled a new line of products designed to help athletes and
civilians alike enjoy the benefits of BALCO 'energy' products.
Those items creating the most buzz seemed to be the BALCO Zinfandel
("ragingly dry,") BALCO Asthma Inhaler for Non-Asthmatics,
and BALCO potpourri called "Whiff Of Insanity." A BALCO
spokesman was prepared to discuss the products with the press
but had to leave when all his hair fell out.
FIGHT FINALLY ERUPTS AT BIG STAR CRIBBAGE!
Las Vegas, NV - Well, trouble's been brewing
every week on the set of Fox-TV's new smash-hit
celebrity gaming show, "Big Star Cribbage," and
it finally boiled over this week! A scoring dispute caused by
a simple stuck peg flared into a full-blown melee. "Knot's
Landing"s Kevin Dobson broke his hand belting
the non-lead guy from "Yes Dear" flush on the jaw and
that non-lead guy careened into Rick Astley,
who broke his nose falling face-first onto that chick who sang
"I'm Your Bitch I'm Your Lover," and she in turn broke
a rib tumbling into Brian Bosworth. Bosworth
was unscathed. The Rube Goldberg Institute said, "we couldn't
have drawn it up better ourselves." Fox will re-air the episode
this Sunday with lost footage.
PARCELLS TO RETIRE IN FIVE YEARS;
CONAN TO TAKE OVER!
Dallas, TX - Dallas Cowboys
head coach Bill Parcells announced Monday that
he would step down from the position in 2009 and turn the reins
of the club over to NBC latenight talk show host
Conan O'Brien. O'Brien, who will also assume
the host chair of the "Tonight" show
that year, said he was up for the challenge and would hire Robert
Smigel and Louis CK as his offensive
and defensive coordinators. Said O'Brien, "'09 is my year.
I can nap til then."
BERMAN TEARS ROTATOR CUFF REACHING
FOR SEGUE!
Boston, MA - ESPN sportscaster
Chris Berman injured himself calling game three
of the Red Sox/Angels divisional series last
week when he tried to go for an eruption metaphor, likening a
five-run outburst by the Angels to a similar eruption also from
the west coast, Mt. Saint Helen's. Berman immediately collapsed
in pain and was rushed to Denis Leary Hipster
Medical Center where Leary himself listed Berman in "what
a wuss" condition. Berman tried to rally, calling Leary,
"Denis 'I Can See Leary' Now..." before slipping into
a seven-hour nap.
|
|
