Neither Ray Romano nor Gary Coleman made it through round one.

Bristol, CT - Acting on a tip from "at least one" and "no more than 23" complainants, the Federal Trade Commission has decided to file a false advertising suit against sports network ESPN for their program "Dream Job." In "Dream Job," contestants from around the country vie to become the next cookie-cutter flippant bland smug reporter/anchor in ESPN's stable. They are eliminated one-by-one by a panel of "judges..." Aaaahahahahahahaha! Oh God, did I actually type that? I'm sorry, excuse me. Really, when it comes to judging top quality sportscasting, the ex-jock, failed model, and three fat TV execs know what they're talking about, they really do. Unfortunately, the winner of last season's competition who wishes to remain anonymous despite being on-air everyday filed a complaint signed by other contestants as well, which said in part, "What exactly is the 'dream?' Well, apparently, it consists of doing stories on the WNBA, helping Burt Reynolds to the stage of 'Reel Classics' and taking an unbelievable amount of gas from Chris Berman. People in Malaysia would turn down this job." "Dream Job" host Stuart Scott said he thinks he has a hunch who last year's complaining winner is. "The dude is smack ON it," said Scott, "the gods bringin' it silky smoove to him from the four quadrants, his life is slammin', it's large cake and lots of it, but yet the Dark Knight compels him to go to the resin bag and sticky it up y'all, aaaiiite?! For the rest of the story, let's go to Stuart Scott. Stuart?" Scott was fined by ESPN brass for actually "tossing to himself" but will appeal. Clearly, he'll represent himself.