|
SPORTALICIOUS
TALKS WITH ROSE BOWL BREAK DOWN!
Pasadena, CA - What looked at one time like a
sure thing - Sportalicious! sponsoring this year's Rose
Bowl - has hit some snags that may prove insurmountable,
and "The Sportalicious.com Rose Bowl" may remain an
unfulfilled dream. The most serious of these hurdles is the fact
officials from the Rose Bowl had not participated in any of the
preliminary meetings and in fact called Sportalicious! managing
editor Chet Waterhouse a "crackpot."
"I've never smoked anything or taken any drugs, how DARE
they?!" fumed Waterhouse, until the definition of 'crackpot'
was explained to him. "I know this," said a slightly
calmer Waterhouse, "they contacted US. Or at least somebody
who sounded like an old geezer from the Rose Bowl committee contacted
us - and why's the burden of proof on us?! It's America, damn
it!" Another big issue is money - the Rose Bowl is asking
for ten million dollars for an initial cash payment, and the gap
between their figure and Sportalicious's counteroffer is roughly
ten million dollars. "Screw them old farts and their respiratory
ailments," said Waterhouse, "We'll get a hipper bowl!
Viva la Orange!"
LITTLE SISTERS OF THE POOR BEEF UP
RECRUITING!
Pine Cluster, IA - Tired of constantly playing
the doormat, Little Sisters Of The Poor spokesnun Sister Mary
Constance Gracefaith announced the religious college has aggressively
pursued high school blue-chippers in an attempt to re-build their
football program and "start kickin' some ass." The recruits
will get complete four-year scholarships, lenient academic standards,
plus one-on-one tutoring, free booze, and a pass to a local massage
parlor and spa. "We mean business," said Gracefaith,
"we're tired of everyone saying, 'the only team you could
beat is the Little Sisters Of The Poor.' Enough's enough. Look
out. That 'turn the other cheek' crap is for the Jesuits, my friend."
Gracefaith is in talks with Mike Price for the
vacant head coaching position. The Sisters have already gotten
commitments from Vegas Flicker, the Missouri high school Player
Of the Year, Dartanyan Pope and Bucyrus Blanks, Parade Top 50
recruits, and Moammar Rafsanjani, the top high school placekicker
in Florida. Kansas State has scheduled the Little
Sisters Of The Poor in 2005 and '06.
MR. STATS GETS PUMMELED IN PHOENIX!
Phoenix, AZ - Sportalicious's sports mathematician
columnist Glen Furg, known affectionately
as "Mr. Stats," was found outside a bar in Phoenix last
week, beaten senseless and robbed of $52 and a pocket calculator.
Furg had been in Phoenix to watch St. Louis Cardinals
slugger Albert Pujols take on the Arizona
Diamondbacks pitchers and win the NL batting crown by
.00022 over Colorado's Todd Helton. In
an interview after Pujols' feat, Furg referred to the slugger
as "a Padre." Cardinals fans discovered Furg at Ruffduckers
Bar and Eatery, lured him outside and pummeled him for calling
the Cardinals the San Diego Padres. Police took
Furg to Scottsdale's Sandtrap Hospital where he is listed in "bogey"
condition. "I meant no insult," Furg typed on a keyboard
with a straw inserted in his mouth. He is expected to return to
work sometime between now and 2006.
SOSA SAVES CHAMPAGNE CORKS
"FOR LUCK!"
Atlanta, GA - After the Chicago Cubs
clinched a place in the National League Championship
Series by beating the Atlanta Braves,
Cubs outfielder Sammy Sosa carefully retrieved
every one of the champagne corks popped in the locker room celebration
and gave them to team batboy Jason Kolkaweski. Sosa said he wants
Jason to take his bats, all of them, and the champagne corks,
all of them, home to his dad Vic "for good luck" before
this week's games with the Florida Marlins. Vic
Kolkaweski is a noted carpenter and lathe operator at Drillers
Woodworks on Chicago's north side.
MADDEN STABS MICHAELS IN THIGH!
Baggie Pass, TX - Sportalicious! reporters disguised
as Winnebago camper mechanics made the shocking discovery that
ABC Monday Night Football analyst John
Madden stabbed his play-by-play man, Al Michaels,
in the thigh. Madden claims he did it accidentally, while slicing
up some tomatoes and buffalo mozzarella for Michaels, who was
riding in the Maddenmobile for the first time. Baggie Pass police
say however, that the incident has all the earmarks of a domestic
squabble. "You don't stab someone in the thigh in these parts
unless you're warnin' them they've messed around on you for the
last time with a truck stop waitress and the next knife's in your
ticker," said Baggie Pass police chief Tommy Jack Dupree.
The two announcers get along famously on-air but rumors abound
that the two are sharing some sort of dark, private relationship.
At least rumors around here are abounding that way.
|
|
