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TIGER DROPS TO THIRD, JUMPS FROM BRIDGE!
Priests Lap, Ireland - After finishing a laughably
shameful ninth at Ireland's Snifter O' Lovin' Invitational and
plunging all the way to third in the world golf rankings, Tiger
Woods could bear no more abject failure, climbed the
sheepdung arches of Old Spindleycock Bridge and jumped! While
onlookers looked on in onlooking horror, Woods dropped over seven
feet and broke the hozzle of his Nike 3-iron, landing helplessly
upright in three feet of thick heather where the shocked onlooking
lookers kept him still until rescue workers reached him some twenty
minutes later. Woods tried the old "I'm just taking a shortcut
to the clubhouse so I can more quickly bang my gorgeous fiance"
line, but Irish officials were not buying it. He was rushed to
Our Lady Of Reassigned Priests Hospital and was listed in "sure
an' he's fit as a fiddle" condition.
VOLCANO ERUPTION CAUSED BY IRATE
BUCKEYE FANS!
Ash Hole, WA - The recent eruption of 'America's
Sweetheart' volcano, Mount St. Helens, appears to have been triggered
by thousands of disconsolate Ohio State Buckeyes
fans falling to the ground and primal screaming in near-unison
after losing to Northwestern this weekend, 33-27. The shudder
of many prone chest cavities at the same time "could easily
send a vibration along the earth's crust," said Sarah Smiles
of the Cal Tech Lesbian Earthquake team. Smiles
then asked why reporters were chuckling and subsequently claimed
to have no knowledge of the singing duo of Hall & Oates, unless
they happened to have done a Lilith Fair. The Mount St. Helen's
area is bracing in case Cal beats USC.
BUSH LOSES DEBATE, HIRES JACKIE SHERRILL!
Lookeeheah, TX - After getting pummeled in the
first presidential debate like a sprinkler salesman in the Sudan,
George Bush shook up his adviser's slate by adding
former college football coach Jackie Sherrill
to the team. "He's a pisser," said Bush aide Jim Tom
"Hacky" Hackton, "He built his coaching reputation
on toughness and intensity at Pitt before he
was thrown out in the wake of massive recruiting violations, then
honed those qualities to a tee at Texas A&M
before being shown the door just prior to massive recruiting violations,
and developed innovative wrinkles in his approach at Mississippi
State before fleeing in light of massive recruiting violations.
He fits us perfectly." Bush is expected to open the next
debate with a screen pass and then leg-whip John Kerry.
FAVRE ON 15-DAY 'PISSED AT TEAMMATES'
LIST!
Green Bay, WI - After Sunday's embarrassing loss
to a semi-pro team from New York City, the Green Bay Packers
today officially put veteran quarterback Brett Favre
on the 15-day 'Angry With Teammates' list, which could keep the
veteran from starting the next two Packer 'games,' if you want
to call them that. Favre suffered from a tear into his offensive
line, a pulled insult on his blocking backs, and wrenched relationships
with his receivers. Favre went 2-for-27 for three yards Sunday
but paid off Fox TV and the newspapers to pad
the box score. the 59-year-old quarterback vowed to make the playoffs
again as soon as he and Ahman Green found nine
other guys they liked.
CUBS TICKETED FOR LOITERING!
Chicago, IL - Immediately after losing the seventh
of their last eight contests and eliminating themselves from post-season
play Saturday, the Chicago Cubs were issued 29
citations for loitering at Wrigley Field by one
Chicago Police Department motorcycle officer. Every player and
coach got a ticket, including manager Dusty Baker.
"Dey had ta be loiterin'," said officer Walt Klatkonavich,
"'cause dey sure in hell wasn't playin' da baseball."
Several of the Cubs protested the $75 tickets, but Klatkonavich
said, "Hey, ya speak English if ya wanna complain. Besides,
dere lucky I didn't bust 'em for fraud."
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