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PUJOLS
WINS TITLE BY .00022 Pts., THANKS GEEKS!
Phoenix, AZ - The St. Louis Cardinals'
Albert Pujols won the National League batting
title by less than one-one hundredth of a point over Colorado's
Todd Helton In one of the closest races in baseball history.
A tequila-drenched Pujols (champagne is illegal for celebration
purposes in Arizona) thanked the math and computer departments
at MIT and Stanford for creating
split fractions and then developing the computerized ability to
realize those fractions accurately. Pujols then ran to the Mathematics
library at Arizona State University in nearby
Tempe and hugged and kissed over 1,300 geeks studying in the library.
Pujols announced he would donate $15,000 of his bonus to the Eyeglass
Fund, which removes masking tape and replaces it with screws absolutely
free at math and science buildings on college campuses across
the USA. He also pledged to entertain as many geeks as possible
Sunday evening and help them lose their virginity. Sportalicious'
own Mr. Stats said "While
I'm happy for the Padres' Mr. Pujols, his acknolwedgement of MIT
and Stanford is slightly misplaced. Really, those math accolades
should go to Iowa State University."
OREGON 'STUDY': RITALIN'S FOR REAL!
Eugene, OR - An unofficial study by two chefs
for the University of Oregon football team confirmed
beyond a shadow of a doubt that the personality-stabilizing drug
Ritalin is indeed highly effective. The chefs put Ritalin in the
Ducks' pre-game rice pudding parfaits two weeks ago, and the team
proceeded to defeat highly-ranked Michigan with
a focused and intense effort. This past week, the chefs forgot
the Ritalin and the Ducks lost to Washington State,
55-16. The chefs were fired by head coach Mike Bellotti
but have sold their thesis to the British medical journal Lancet
for six figures and plan to host their own talk show on the Food
Channel entitled, "Don't Worry, It's Just Food."
BASEBALL SUED FOR SCAMMING CUBS,
BOSOX FANS!
Washington, DC - A lawyer representing over three
hundred Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox
fans has sued Major League Baseball in federal
court for "prolonging the suffering of delusional and helpless
people." Attorney Charles Blackhead insists the fact both
the Cubs and the Red Sox made the post-season playoffs this year
is just a cruel joke played by rich men looking for twisted thrills.
"These fans could be at home installing drywall or snaking
clogged drains, moving on with their lives," said Blackhead,
"but instead they're sucked deeper into a false hope that
will bite them in the ass hard, and soon." Blackhead also
pointed out that it's doubly cruel, seeing as if the Cubs and
Red Sox somehow miraculously make it to the World Series,
one of them will still have to lose.
KEITH JACKSON TO RETIRE, UN-RETIRE
FOR THIS WEEK'S GAME!
Corvallis, OR - ABC's folksy
college football play-by-play announcer Keith Jackson,
already in Corvallis running up his bar tab before his next assignment,
announced Monday he was retiring from broadcasting! His alma mater,
Washington State, gave him an honorary degree and a beautiful
office on campus, while his network, ABC, awarded him with a handsome
monetary bonus and a gold statuette that looked like a leftover
Golden Globe award but might've been a football-type
shape. Jackson, known best for his call of "Whoa, Nellie!"
and for failing to watch entire chunks of games, then announced
Tuesday that he was coming out of retirement to finish the season.
ABC, which has now been through this five times with Jackson,
gave him a pizza-sized cookie but confiscated his mini-bar key.
BERATED COACH STILL
IN GRAVE CONDITION!
Minneapolis, MN - During a 35-7 loss to the Minnesota
Vikings this past Sunday, San Francisco 49ers
wide receiver Terrell Owens lost his temper at
one of his own offensive coaches and laced into him verbally for
over a minute on the 49er sideline, causing the coach to suffer
loss of hearing, heart palpitations and psychological trauma similar
to post-traumatic stress syndrome. The coach, who asked to remain
nameless so his kids aren't mocked mercilessly at grade school,
was rushed to Duckhunter's Trauma Center with a twitch so severe
it knocked out three of his hair plugs. An unintended viewing
of comedian Damon Wayans' sitcom "My
Wife And Kids" caused a relapse Tuesday because
of Wayans' resemblance to Owens. The coach was stabilized with
an i.v. drip and large doses of ass-kissing from pert, young candystripers.
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