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DUCK HUNTERS SHOOT KITE!
Grey, Iowa - Seven duck hunters on a free ammunition
retreat sponsored by Skydust Bullets and Rasputin Vodka shot a
child's kite to pieces over the skies of Grey Sunday, sending
9-year-old Jimmy Peapsner running in a straight line for 3/4 of
a mile before Glug County sheriff's deputies were able to slow
him down with a tranquilizer dart of Ritalin and Robitussin. The
hunters all had alcohol levels three to four times the legal limit,
but because they were only shooting guns and were not driving
vehicles, could only be given a warning citation for Firing While
Bored. Peapsner locked himself in his room and said only that
he has abandoned plans to dress as a hunter this Halloween.
GREECE TO TURN OLYMPIC TRACK INTO
RESTAURANT!
Athens, Greece - The Greek government has decided
to turn a second Olympic venue into a restaurant!
This time it's the Olympic Track Stadium, which will now become
"Stavros," an upper-echelon delicatessen that will serve
virtually any combination of food imaginable and will turn two
entire bleacher sections into walk-in refrigerators. The restaurant
will feature "smoking" and "smoking heavily"
sections and offer various theme rooms including "The Pole
Vault Pit" and "Hammer." The place is booked through
May of 2005.
NFL LOOKING AT CLEAN HALF TIMES!
New York, NY - National Football League
officials, continuing their search for clean entertainment alternatives
they can sign up for this year's Super Bowl halftime,
were seen attending Tom Bergeron's Home Video
Hilariousness at Radio City Music Hall twice
this past weekend. In additon, two NFL officials were seen taking
copious notes at a matinee of "The Pepperoni Monologues,"
which is a one man review of Scott Baio's meteoric
career that actually stars Scott Baio. The NFL said they would
not make final decisions until January of 2005 and may hold open
auditions for clean acts in Branson, Missouri sometime later this
autumn.
BIG STAR CRIBBAGE UPDATE!
Las Vegas, or at least near it, NV - Big Star
Cribbage, the new Fox celebrity
gaming TV show that's this year's sleeper hit, once again
had a wild week that nearly saw competitors come to blows! Tom
Arnold skunked Diana DiGarmo twice in
less than one episode, and DiGarmo threw a venison snack stick
at Arnold, hitting him in the eye. Onlookers said Arnold just
chuckled derisively and shouted something about getting a venison
stick shoved in his anus once by Roseanne. DiGarmo
was escorted from the studio and demoted from second place old
American Idol to third place old American Idol.
'HUSTLE' SUED BY CHARLES HUSTLE!
Bristol, CT - "Hustle,"
ESPN's incredibly searing movie expose of Pete
Rose's life that, incredibly, accuses the baseball great
of gambling and stars Tom Sizemore in a wig,
was the target of a lawsuit by a Charles Hustle of Lidpump, Oklahoma.
Hustle said "Hustle" was promoted so heavily it reminded
several creditors in the Lidpump area that Hustle owed them money,
debt that would have been legally forgiven within two months.
Hustle, a part-time pai-gow dealer at a local Indian Casino and
recovering peyote addict, is seeking damages of $23,000. Incredibly,
his life is still less sad than Pete Rose's.
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