"Dadgummit, this mint chaw puts lead in your pencil!"

Spillbucket, ID - The National Dog Jumpin' Championships sponsored by Dadgummit Mint Chaw was rocked by what experts say is clearly the most shocking athletic sex scandal of the year! Sportalicious reporters disguised as female lumberjacks discovered that Mr. Sipps, a four-year-old black lab who was seventh after Friday's preliminary jumping with an average jump of only 20 and 1/2 feet, was busy all night in his suite at the Spillbucket Kennels with Funtessa, a female golden retriever who led the competition at the halfway point with a jump average of over 23 feet. Irritating, cacophanous howls and rhythmic grunting similar to a really crappy rap base line were heard all night from Mr. Sipps suite, finally subsiding at 2:30am. At that point no one left Mr. Sipps suite but both CarlaZee, a shepherd/collie mix in second place at that point, and Grumpellini, a Belgian Waterhound in fourth place at that point, snuck into Mr. Sipps suite at about 2:45am and really appalling inhuman noises echoed through the Spillbucket Outdoor Games complex for forty straight minutes. At that point, the noise again subsided while a taxi cab pulled up and delivered what appeared to be a bottle of gin, a cattle carcass and a carton of Marlboros. After ten minutes of eating noises, the apparently unsated quartet was joined by third-place Laplover, a female Westie Terrier mix in heat, and for the next hour, no one within a seven-mile radius got any sleep. NORAD briefly went to Code Blue until its field units were able to identify the shrieking radar noises. The next day, after one round, Mr. Sipps jumped his usual 20 feet but was now alone in first - Grumpellini withdrew with a broken penis, Funtessa and CarlaZee jumped less than seven feet, and Laplover attacked a sixteen-year-old ice cream vendor's leg and had to be sedated and hauled away by animal authorities. The competition was shut down by Idaho state officials, who then launched a pay website called Yougottaseethis.com. Why male Sportalicious reporters dressed as female lumberjacks is still not known. Kind of.