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ANNOUNCEMENT OF HOCKEY STRIKE DRAWS BIGGEST
HOCKEY RATINGS EVER!
New York, NY - The National Hockey League's
press conference announcing there would be no National Hockey
League this year due to labor strife drew higher ratings than
any two televised hockey games combined! "Whatever,"
said Gary Bettman of the NHL, "go ahead, slam hockey, but
we'll be back and bigger than ever!... Although I guess it won't
be that hard to be bigger than ever, come to think of it."
Fans said the press conference moved more quickly and was easier
to follow on TV than your average hockey game, yet still featured
a fight between two reporters over who's question would be answered
next. Donald Trump announced several hours later
that he's looking into forming a new National Press Conference
Fighting League.
NCAA SHUTS DOWN FSU LEMONADE STANDS!
Coffers Full, KS - The NCAA
announced penalties against certain institutions based on the
results of several investigative teams efforts. The harshest penalty
was dealt to Florida State, which had coaches'
kids holding charity fundraisers by selling lemonade outside the
Seminoles' stadium. The NCAA took away four scholarships each
for the next two years and confiscated the $108 dollars raised
through last Saturday. The University of Miami,
still trying to enroll 11-time convicted criminal Willie
Williams in its program, received the rather light penalty
of "no second helpings on chicken entrees at the training
table," based largely on the fact that there was no money
for the NCAA to confiscate. The University of Colorado,
also with no direct cash at stake, was told by the NCAA regarding
its party/sex scandal to "just try and keep the doors closed."
Kansas State, which misplaced a cashbox with
approximately $400 in t-shirt profits in it, could receive the
death penalty.
GREECE TO TURN OLYMPIC POOL INTO
RESTAURANT!
Athens, Greece - On the heels of one of the most
successful and certainly the gayest Olympics
ever, the Greek government announced today that it would be turning
the stunning Olympic natatorium into a large delicatessen-style
restaurant with a huge menu, lots of boxed cereal, slightly uncomfortable
booths and moody but often gregarious male hosts. "We will
of course drain it first," said Greek Minister of Procrastination
Constantin "Gus" Constantinopolos, "but then the
sky's the limit. You want pancakes with whitefish? We can do it.
What do you want, you want pickles? Big plate? What do you want,
you want baklava with lambchop? We can do it. But, order please
quickly, we must turn booth over."
FCC FINES MAN FOR WEARING 'NAKED' PIG
COSTUME!
Fayetteville, AR - TomBob "Plug" Ricksey,
a 43-year-old soybean wholesaler from Little Rock and an alumnus
of the University of Arkansas, was fined $550,000
by the Federal Communications Commission for
wearing a "Soooey Razorbacks!" pig mask on his head
at last week's football game that the FCC claims is "naked,
disgusting, prurient, and will lead the youth of America into
a hellish nightmare of drugs and diseased sex." Ricksey's
lawyer Dick Gyzinia stated simply, "It's just a goofy pig
hat, it doesn't even show any of the pig's ass, and pigs don't
wear clothes, what the hell's wrong with the FCC?!" Gyzinia
was then fined $175,000 for saying 'hell' and 'ass' and for "having
a first and last name that if uttered out loud and mulled over
could be considered prurient."
SCANT 11 BULLDOGS HOLD OFF ENTIRE
THUNDERING HERD!
Athens, GA - In a shocking event that has animal
experts the nation over completely flummoxed, a small group of
only eleven bulldogs held off an entire thundering herd of animals
last Saturday afternoon. The bulldog last stand was akin to a
canine Alamo, according to most experts, who also said that thundering
herds could suffer an evolutionary blow from this defeat that
might begin chipping away at their genetic code base as early
as next month and-- What?! OHHHHH. Sorry. The Georgia
Bulldogs beat the Marshall Thundering Herd
13-3 Saturday. Wow. We have got get the speakers fixed on the
TV in the break room.
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