"No, I don't know Blitzen. Next question."

Cornnut Grove, IA - With deer hunting season now open across most of the northern midwest, a spokesman for American field deer vowed it will not be "business as usual." Candi, a 5-point buck announced at a press conference in this secret location northwest of Des Moines, "We're not standing around any more. We've got firearms and we're going to use them." When Candi was asked how the deer could use firearms without opposable thumbs, he answered, "we're travelling in assigned teams this year." He added that the deer's guns will be hidden in a fake fluffy pouch, and the teams will work together to aim and fire the weapon. Candi added they were not "assassins, but we will return fire." He pointed out that many hunters are easy to spot because they're dressed in red, they're fat and they're drunk. When asked how a 5-point buck got the name Candi, Candi responded, "It's not relevant." When pressed, Candi said that as a young buck he had wandered near some raspberry bushes behind a Tudor house in Minneapolis and a little girl ran out and called him Candi and it stuck. Said Candi, "You shoot at me, now you make fun of me - go ahead. Make your Candi jokes. Let's see how you like riding on the fender of your own car and getting gutted and turned into garlic summer sausage." At that point a shot rang out and Candi darted off. Some time later a fat, red-clad drunk hunter was found a mile away with a gunshot wound to the toe. Authorities are warning hunters to be aware of aggressive deer and possible ambushes set up by cute fawns 'innocently' standing in the middle of the road.