|
HOOPSTERS UNAWARE OLYMPICS OVER!
Athens, Greece - The US Olympic Basketball
Team, made up of NBA players whose cars
were in the shop most of August and who subsequently had some
free time on their hands, expressed shock this week from their
luxury yacht off the coast of Greece that the Olympics
were over. "Y'mean, like, six games and it's ovah?!"
said an unidentified player. "We just thought there was some
referee strike or somethin', or maybe they were blackmailin' the
governor to build a new arena without usin' any private funds,
or some scam like 'at," continued the player. "But damn,
we're done? Hell, if we'd a known 'at, we'd a maybe played, or
somethin'." The players said they would return to America
and that each of them would buy their own yacht because "the
yacht part was slammin'."
'BIG STAR CRIBBAGE' SET COMES TO NEAR-BLOWS!
Las Vegas, NV - The set of Fox's
newest celebrity gaming
hit, "Big Star Cribbage," nearly erupted in fisticuffs
at this weekend's taping when Richard Greico
accused Jared from the 'Subway' commercials of
mis-pegging his last blind. Greico got right in Jared's grille,
though the newly thin and confident sandwich eater didn't back
down an inch, which seemed to surprise even Greico, who then half-heartedly
let Corey Feldman break the two of them up. Jared
is undefeated in the round-robin tournament largely because he's
the only one who appears to be able to do simple addition correctly.
Gabrielle Carteris is currently second.
US OPEN FAILS TO BEAT 'JIMMY HOUSTON'S
FISHIN' HOLE!'
Los Angeles, CA - The telecast of this year's
US Open men's tennis final between Roger
Federer of Switzerland and Lleyton Hewitt
of England drew ratings so low it failed to beat a rerun of "Jimmy
Houston's Fishin' Hole" in which Houston caught not one fish.
With no Americans involved, the US Open feared such a dip but
did not think it would also slip below "Asian Jeopardy!"
and re-runs of "Luddite Roundtable." The men's final
did manage to top the ratings for the World Hockey Championship.
NOTRE DAME BEATS MICHIGAN, ENDS SEASON!
South Bend, IN - On the heels of its biggest
win in years, Notre Dame's football team has
declared its season over and, thanks to a loophole in the BCS
bylaws made for just such a situation, can finish no lower than
twelfth in the Coaches' Poll at season's end.
Despite having just one win, the BCS's six-win requirement is
waved in cases where the school's name begins with an 'N' and
a 'D.' NBC, the network that televises Notre
Dame football games, said it had no problems re-running the Michigan
game the next eight Saturdays. The Fighting Irish are currently
slated to take on Oklahoma for the national championship
in January, 2005.
NEBRASKA ASKS OSBORNE BACK!
Lincoln, NE - After losing to Southern
Mississippi at home in only the second game of the season,
officials at the University of Nebraska have
asked football coach Bill Callahan to step aside
and allow 107-year-old Tom Osborne to come back
and man the helm once again. When asked about the move, Osborne
said simply, "What? I can't hear the question!" An excited
Nebraska vice-provost Jack Fulkarski said, "Hey, he didn't
rule it out!" Fulkarski said Nebraska was prepared to equip
Osborne with a state-of-the-art wheelchair he steers by blowing
through a straw that also provides him with unlimited chocolate
milk shakes. The chair is equipped with an eye-blink-activated
computer similar to Steven Hawking's that would
allow Osborne to call audibles on the sideline. Callahan would
be allowed to stay in the Nebraska family, coaching rhythmic gymnastics
at the North Platte day campus.
|
|
