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AUBURN
TO GIVE UP FOOTBALL!
Auburn, AL - After scoring only three points
in its first two football games and plummeting from No. 6 in the
polls to complete anonymity, Auburn University
announced it will cease football operations immediately. "We're
gonna focus on stuff like English and math and stuff," said
assistant proctor Willie Dean Purnell, adding, "we may start
up a bowlin' team or a possum huntin' club, but that's it."
Coach Tommy Tuberville will be reassigned to
the barber shop, and the football stadium will be used for monster
truck rallies, currently held at the student union.
FANS LOVE 'PLAYMAKERS' PREDICTABILITY!
Los Angeles, CA - ESPN executives
announced plans to inject even more predictability into its original
football drama "Playmakers" after an
extensive survey revealed that's what fans want! The survey showed
87% of viewers found great comfort in the fact that there was
a drug-crazed white guy who always needed more steroids and a
fat likable black guy who got left holding the bag. Nearly 85%
of viewers rested easier knowing on first sight that the straight
black guy would finally cheat by taking performance-enhancing
drugs and that his loyal wife would be appalled that he cheated.
Over 71% thought the uppity young black guy was sufficiently cocky
but needed more glares and stares at white people to prove he
had smoldering rage. A whopping 91% of fans felt the head coach
could be more one-dimensional.
BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW TO
ADD NINE MORE HOSTS!
Playa del Playah, CA - Fox Sports
announced that in an aggressive effort to widen demographics,
it would add nine more hosts to its highly successful nightly
show, "The Best Damn Sports Show Period."
Joining current hosts Tom Arnold, John
Salley, the other black guy and that kinda slick white
announcery guy will be Larry Eustachy, Dave
Bliss and Mike Price, two ex-linemen
named "Mutt" and "Walleye," sprinter Jon
Drummond, comedian Franklin Ajaye, Def
Jam recording artist L'il 'Postrophe, and Kim
Cattrall. In addition, Isaac Mizrahi
will re-design a team logo every week.
PACKERS WANT 'DO-OVER'!
Green Bay, WI - After having suffered the embarrassment
of losing their season-opener on the very day they chose to re-dedicate
historic Lambeau Field, the Green Bay
Packers filed an appeal with NFL commissioner
Paul Tagliabue for a do-over. The do-over would
allow them to re-play their game against the Minnesota
Vikings and give them an opportunity to be awake for
the whole contest this time. The Vikings, winners of the game,
filed a counter-appeal claiming do-overs must be called in the
car on the way over and that noogies should be administered to
the Packers if the appeal is denied. The Packers and Vikings also
disagree on what actually marked the official south goal line,
with the Packers claiming it was the telephone pole and the Vikings
saying the teams had agreed it was the pine tree.
MR. STATS INJURED IN BRAWL!
Atlanta, GA - Sportalicous! very own correspondent,
Glen Furg, known as "Mr.
Stats," was rushed to Atlanta's R&B Medical Center after
Furg was beaten nearly senseless on a layover at Atlanta-Hartsfield
airport. In Sportalicious' staff pro football picks two weeks
ago, Furg, who is a world-class mathematician but a bit of a dildo
about actual sports, accidentally called the Atlanta Falcons
the "Hawks." An Atlanta businessman at the airport recognized
Furg and quickly formed a vigilante group of fellow Falcon fans
who then tackled Furg only steps from his jetway and punched and
kicked him for several minutes while a flight attendant at the
gate sipped a Starbucks decaf frappacino and
read the Style section of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Furg is listed in nasty-ass condition but could be released by
Sunday.
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