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Flushing Meadows, NY - Tennis player Andy Roddick will celebrate his U.S. Open win this weekend by holing up with his singer/actress girlfriend Mandy Moore in an undisclosed fancy hotel and not coming out til he's completely sated sexually, a period experts say could be as long as two months. Roddick spokesman Carl Elton Cain made the announcement Monday at a press conference attended by nearly a hundred loser reporters whose lives will never come close to Roddick's. Said Cain, "He just won a major tennis tournament, he's wealthy and only getting wealthier, he's got a hot actress girlfriend, she's wealthy and gorgeous, he's gorgeous, and he's barely 21. So they're going to a five-star hotel and screwing til they're exhausted. Any questions, pencil jockeys?" The reporters had no questions but sat in gape-mouthed silence for ninety seconds before realizing it. ESPN has hired counselors to help their reporters through the experience. "It's tough when you come face to face with how sucky your life is," said Ben Hei, a counselor from Some Guys Have All The Luck, Inc. "Roddick's eating beluga caviar off a naked Mandy Moore's belly and you're drinking old coffee in a windowless office trying to think of something that rhymes with 'Virginia Tech.' Then I come in and earn twice your salary just to tell you you're not a bad guy and you should shut up and get back to work. It's rough." Ninety-eight of a hundred men surveyed became depressed on hearing about Roddick and his life, even though they faked initial enthusiasm. The other two men were Jerry Seinfeld and Tiger Woods, who both said, "Good for Roddick. Nice kid." Neither Roddick nor Moore plan to work out during their bacchanalian stint, yet because of their age will not gain a pound. Roddick indicated he may make some really bad stock investments that would easily wipe out your or our life savings but that won't even make a dent in his income.