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KEITH JACKSON TO USE NIGHT VISION GOGGLES!
Whoanelly Lake, WA - Spokesman for ABC
college football announcer Keith Jackson said
that in an effort to help Jackson's deteriorating accuracy in
the booth he will start wearing night vision goggles. The goggles,
issued by the United States Marine Corps, will
be custom-fitted to Jackson's head and include a side mirror that
will allow him to converse with color man Dan Fouts
without turning his head. Jackson will wear the goggles during
day games as well in an effort to prevent gaffes like this past
weekend, when for over nine minutes he referred to the UCLA
Bruins as "the New England Clam Chowders."
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES
BOSOX WARNING!
Kelp, MA - The northeastern bureau of the National
Weather Service has issued a storm warning for the New
England area, citing the potential seasonal collapse of the Boston
Red Sox as the storm's center. The warning stated that,
sure the Red Sox were hot now, but if they lose more than three
games in a row down the stretch, people in the area should be
prepared for hellish thunderstorms, lightning from the hand of
God, swirling eddies of doom in tidal areas, widespread brain-searing
depression but, onthe bright side, hail no larger than Raisinets.
The NWS recommends boarding up windows and watching college football.
FOX TO TELEVISE HIGH-STAKES CRIBBAGE!
Los Angeles, CA - The Fox Network
announced Sunday that it will broadcast all nine episodes of the
sizzling new celebrity gaming series, "Big Star Cribbage."
The game features rotating celebrities challenging each other
one-on-one in the Eruption room at the Krakatoa Casino just south
of Las Vegas in Pugg. "The action is ridiculously hot and
sexy," said Didi Wonk-Smickey, Fox publicist. "You're
an idiot if you don't watch." In the pilot, Nicole
Ritchie beats Brian Dunkelman on a thriller,
cutting nobs to win by one.
HURRICANE FRANCES SAYS IT'S GAY!
Charlotte, NC - Hurricane Frances
held a press conference Monday to announce that it had been having
a consensual gay affair with another tropical storm and blew through
the American southeast canceling dozens of sporting events out
of "sheer spite and anger at society's judgmental moralism."
Frances said as soon as it dissipates some and can fit indoors
it would attend anger management classes. In the meantime, it
has resigned its position as strongest hurricane.
IT'S OFFICIAL: SPORTSCASTER UNION FINES
LLOYD!
Chicago, IL - The Sportscaster Union has fined
ESPN announcer David Lloyd a
record $2350 dollars for having
stolen our own Chet Waterhouse's home
run call, " 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky!" Lloyd must
also use as his new homer call the sappy phrase "Don't Cry
Out Loud" from the old Melissa Manchester
song as his new homer call for the upcoming season. Lloyd was
unavailable for comment and in fact had not been notified of the
fine because the Sportscaster Union has no phone service.
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