We thought meringue was made from egg whites.

Stad de Retreat, France - Kelli White, the U.S. sprinter who won both the 100 and 200 meter sprints at the World Track Championships in Paris, is a massive walking vial of illicit substances, according to Thierry Foquet, the French track and field chairman in charge of stripping Americans of their medals. "We tested her pee," said a triumphant Foquet, "and it came back positive!" Sportalicious! reporters disguised as superior German officers pressed Foquet on exactly which drugs were discovered. Foquet crumbled under the pressure and admitted, "I'm not sure - maple syrup, vitamin C, and uric acid - lots of uric acid!" In France, urine testing is performed by a panel of experts who pour the urine in a large crystal snifter, swirl it around to expose the bouquet, then sip and savor it on the end of their tongues before swallowing it. In addition to containing the aforementioned marginal 'drugs,' White's urine was described in the panel's official report as "rich and oaky, with a mischievous palette and a smoky afterglow." The panel recommended serving White's urine with a firm seafood like red snapper filets. A U.S. spokesman called the French "depraved. Besides, if drugs helped you win races, Hunter S. Thompson would be the fastest man in the world."