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MR. STATS RECOVERING FROM VOLLEYBALL BEATING!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Glenn
Furg, aka Sportalicious's own "Mr. Stats," was pummeled
about the head and chest in Cheddar Falls' tiny Greektown section
two days after statistically deducing accurate national medal
counts but in the process saying Athens was in Ohio. By mere mathematical
equations, Stats was able to figure out nearly exactly the medal
counts between the top five countries, but while announcing his
predictions mistook Athens, Greece for Athens, Ohio. On a subsequent
walk through Greektown, which is actually just a cul de sac in
which the Kotsenos brothers live, Stats was attacked by two men
who held small bats in their left hands and cocktails in their
right. The Kotsenos brothers own the Fresh Delicatessen, formerly
Henry T's Pork Basket.
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS MAY BE CALLED
IN KOBE TRIAL!
Somewhere, CO - Sportalicious's own Anthem-Singing
Breasts may be called as character witnesses in the Kobe
Bryant rape trial, possibly as early as next week. Bryant
is accused of sexually assaulting a female concierge at a Colorado
resort last year instead of being content to down some liqeuers
from his mini-bar and pay for Spectravision.
the Anthem-Singing Breasts had dated Bryant briefly when they
lived in LA and worked as extras on the short-lived Andrew
"Dice" Clay sitcom "Hitz."
BASEBALL NEARS SOME SORT OF CONCLUSION!
St. Louis, MO - Researchers from the Sport In
Society Institute at the University of St. Louis announced Saturday
all indications point to the sport of baseball having some sort
of official wind-up "pretty soon." The nine-page report
said it appeared most teams in the two baseball leagues were no
longer eligible to win their respective pennants and would soon
cease playing to allow the best six teams in each league to sort
it out amongst themselves. They predicted that process would take
place "Sometime near the end of September." The Institute
accurately predicted pro hockey's 0.7 television rating last year
and also were the first legitimate academic institution that acknowledged
that volleyball was clearly the world's most
popular sport.
GREEKS PLAN TO USE STADIUM AS COFFEE
SHOP!
Athen Lakes, Greece - Greek Olympic
officials announced Sunday that by this time next week they will
have already converted the Olympic track and field stadium into
a giant Greek coffee shop featuring everything from gyros to pancakes.
The restaurant will be open 24 hours and should have a liquor
license by June of '05. Most items will be solid but unspectacular,
and little boxes of cereal will be the most overpriced menu item.
We recommend the lemon chicken.
IMAGE OF ANTHONY QUINN FOUND IN GYRO!
Athensville, Greece - Wow! Just seconds before
the Olympic ceremonies were to close with a flourish of gay dancing,
a Sparta man reported to police that a stunningly clear image
of the late actor Anthony Quinn, "Zorba"
from the movie "Zorba The Greek," had formed in a pool
of yogurt dressing that had spilled out of his gyro. Police cordoned
off the dinner plate and within hours nearly a thousand pilgrims
had marched by to catch a glimpse of the beatific sight. The restaurant
from which the gyro was purchased has been designated a Greek
Historic Site. The man, who was still quite hungry, was given
a free lambchop sandwich so that he wouldn't eat the image.
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