Excitement personified.

Old Town Athens, Greece - The biggest story of these Olympics, outside of the incredibly gay opening and closing ceremonies, is clearly the emergence of volleyball as the new world sport! The fact none of us knew this is just another sign we should entrust more of our major decisions to TV programming executives. Nearly 71% of NBC's television coverage was beach volleyball or smelly gymnasium volleyball. In fact, there was so much volleyball that action couldn't finish by Sunday's closing ceremonies and will extend all the way to September 9th, all of it televised by NBC. "No one cares about running and stuff anymore," said Lisi Vermin, NBC's VP of Sports Programming and a recent graduate of the University of California-Irvine's School of Beach Living And Stuff. "Volleyball is so much sexier than soccer. You can play music and drink and stuff during the matches. I mean, turn on a beach volleyball match, then close your eyes - it's like you're at the Hooter's in Redondo Beach buzzed on Coconut Teasers, not in some stupid old country where they can't even repair their dumb old buildings. You can't shoot anywhere in that country without having a dilapitated old building in the picture. I feel sorry for the Greekites, but I do have a TV network to run." Volleyball's mind-numbing repetitive pattern of serve-two hits-spike is at first boring, then sickening, but after nine hours addicting. Despite the fact the largest crowd ever to watch volleyball was 1,938 people at a Cal-Stanford match in 1957, NBC plans to supplant baseball with volleyball by 2010.