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CLARETT
SUSPENSION CLAUSE TAKES 'THE' OUT OF OSU NAME!
Columbus, OH - Ohio State University
administrators were shocked Sunday when they discovered that as
part of the NCAA punishment of Maurice
Clarett the school would have to stop referring to itself
as "the" Ohio State University. The clause, discovered
in the fine print under the "extra Knuckle Raps" section,
takes effect immediately and violations will result in significant
monetary fines that must be paid only out of the illegal booster
fund. The school appealed to the NCAA that it needs something
as pretentious as "the" to fend off the general unfounded
arrogance of archrival Michigan, but the NCAA
refused the appeal and said if violations persist, it has the
power to assign other words to the front of OSU's name, including
"an," "dopey" and "freakin'."
CUBS BOOK NOLTE, BUSEY FOR 7TH-INNING
STRETCH!
Chicago, IL - Chicago Cubs officials
announced that on the heels of Ozzy Osbourne's
horrific, successful, mumbling, unintelligible rendition of "Take
Me Out To The Ball Game" at a recent Cub game, they have
hired Nick Nolte and Gary Busey
for upcoming homestands. Each actor/singer will not have to sing
to the hokey organ track on the stadium PA but will be allowed
to set up their entire derelict half-assed bands inside Steve
Stone's radio booth and just blast away. The Cubs also
have offers out to Mickey Rourke and Anne
Heche.
NORTH DAKOTA CUTS BACK TO 5-MAN FOOTBALL!
Barrenton, ND - The North Dakota State Department
of Education announced Monday that due to continued decreasing
population in its rural areas it would have to officially cut
back its high school football team requirements from 8-man to
5-man football. The state abandoned 11-man football in 1971, cutting
back to 9-man football until '84, when it reduced to 8-man squads.
The new five-man squads will play on a 60-yard field, reducing
maintenance and chalking costs. Other money-saving measures include
1) no coaching - it's only five guys, c'mon, 2)No uniforms - most
rural North Dakotans are on a first-name basis, and 3) travel
to away games by covered wagon. If these moves are successful
the state may implement 3-man basketball and one-man golf. Debate
competitions have already been shifted to speaker phone.
SCOOTERS NOW RIDDEN MOSTLY BY LAZY
FAT PEOPLE!
Okeydoke, FL - A study by the University
of Florida's Halfwitz College of Medicine has discovered
that motorized 3-wheeled scooters designed for the handicapped
are now mostly purchased and driven by humongous fat people who've
given up exercise and physical activity altogether. "They
love drivin' 'em right up to the McDonalds counter
and ordering a McFlurry and dippin' french fries in it,"
said Doctor Gene Rim, head of the study group, "then daring
someone to come up and accuse them of not bein' handicapped and
just bein' generally obese and lazy and sickening. No one ever
challenges them, because, hey, what if they're the one-in-four
billion fat people who actually truly has that gland problem thingie?
Then YOU'RE the a-hole." Rim added, "If it's a toss-up
between 'scooter' and 'self-discipline,' guess what? Hah!"
Because of production shortages at the scooter companies there
are actually handicapped people out there suffering some sort
of palsied attack and falling on their living room floors unable
to reach the phone while a fat lazy person darts around Six
Flags and the flea market and the mall food court on
a scooter simply not intended for them.
SURFERS FORGOT THEY WERE COMPETING,
NO ONE WINS CUP!
Gnarlokai, HI - A group of world-class surfers
vying for the Hawiian Open Surf Classic championship
Sunday caught a series of great waves after downing homemade brownies
and completely forgot to cross the finish line, stay in competiton
waters, wear numbers, or even surf on separate waves, forcing
Classic authorities to declare no winner whatsoever. Many of the
surfers are still out on the water as you read this, while the
rest have used bunting and light beer banners intended for regional
TV coverage to start beach bonfires on which they are - no kidding
- roasting weenies. When asked what was happening, a grinning,
foggy-eyed surfer answered, "life is what's happenin'."
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