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USA HOOPSTERS ONLY BEAT COUNTRIES SUFFERING
FROM DRAUGHT!
Cul de Socrates, Greece - The troubled US men's
basketball squad, made up of pros from different NBA
teams who hate each other, has officially beaten only teams from
countries either suffering severe draught or crushing economic
problems. "Man, these otheer countries, they play all this
'team' bulls$*t," said one US player, "that ain't fair!
Hey, they let them gymnasts run around with bowlin' pins and ribbons,
how come we can't play these guys in 'horse'? How come there ain't
no Olympic slam dunk competition? This sucks."
Apparently American team chemistry has also been hurt by an inability
to get accurate stock quotes in Olympic village.
SOUTH KOREANS CLAIM TO HAVE 'COUPON'
FOR GOLD!
Platotown, Greece - The South Korean gymnastics
coaches, upset over a potential scoring gaffe that may have kept
one of their ridiculously muscled athletes from the gold medal,
have produced a "Get A Gold with Bronze Scores" coupon
that apparently was legally sanctioned by the Greek Olympic Committee
and ran in the Delta Airlines "Skymiles"
in-flight magazine in December '03. The coupon doesn't expire
til August 31, '04, and the Koreans have laminated it for protection
against the weather or ugly protests. "Wow, that one slipped
through the cracks," said Greek spokesman Constantin "Gus"
Constantinopolos. "That coupon was cooked up way back when
only seven countries had signed up. Listen, it's a medal on a
ribbon, what's all the hubbub?"
COUNCIL DISAPPOINTED WITH USE OF
FIREWORKS IN GREECE!
Port Graffitti, MO - The Illegal Fireworks Industry
Council said that while the Athens Olympics started out with a
'bang,' they are disappointed in what they consider 'missed opportunities'
to increase the use of illegal fireworks at the Games. A statement
issued by the Council Monday said "the ends of the even and
uneven parallel bars would be choice places to stick fireworks
to add 'pop' during a routine," and went on to list among
others the marathon ("sparklers with every cup of water"),
weightlifting ("cap-blasters on the floor so when they drop
the weights - bam!") and the triple jump ("you want
just 'leaping' or do you want 'leaping over cherry bombs?'")
as other missed opportunities. The Council will work to develop
a line of illegal fireworks exclusively for the Olympics that
will include the "Bronze Bomber," the "Eternal
Torch" and the "Starter's Gun."
AL JAZEERA PREDICTS WINNERS FROM RESTAURANT!
Sherman Oaks, CA - The Arabian television news
network Al Jazeera, banished from the Olympic
Games by Greek authorities a little touchy about terrorism, etc.,
has successfully predicted 40% of all events from its tiny headquarters
in the Great Greek restaurant on Ventura Boulevard in this San
Fernando Valley town. "It's uncanny," said Stavros Balkinos,
owner of the Great Greek. "They really have done they're
research, I almost hate to say it, but they're really good. They're
better than that Tim Daggett guy and that Rowdy Gaines guy. Plus,
they can POUND Ouzo and I can't make enough lemon chicken to keep
up." Balkinos went on to say that the Arabs even piped down
after midnight so as not to upset neighbors in the adjacent residential
neighborhood.
CZECHS DQ'D FOR 'TOO MANY CONSONANTS!'
Pythagoriatown, Greece - After days of harrowing
pronunciation gaffes by both network anchors and in-house PA announcers,
the International Olympic Committee has disqualified the entire
team from the Czech Republic for having names with too many consonants.
NBC's Jim Lampley was hospitalized with a sprained
tongue after having to announce the women's beach volleyball game
between the US and the Czech team of Brzwyla Kmfpsh and Czrdkina
Prfmledr, which unfortunately for Lampley, went into sudden death
o.t. Lampley is resting comfortably at Our Lady of Temperamental
Men Medical Center, but two Greek PA announcers have had to be
helicoptered to the Goteborg Vowel Clinic in Sweden for advanced
treatment. The Czechs are trying to broker a deal which still
have them compete but be referred to only by hair color.
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