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86-YEAR-OLD
MAN WANDERS ONTO SALT FLATS, SETS RECORD!
Bonneville Salt Flats Village, Utah - An 86-year-old
Marble, Missouri man who left his house last Thursday in Marble
to get Metamucil and a lottery ticket wound up three days later
wandering onto the Bonneville Salt Flats in his '91 Buick
Century, mistaking his gas pedal for the brake, and setting
a new land speed record of 741 miles per hour. Homer Felp, a retired
moving-walkway repairman from Marble, broke the record while reaching
over to his glovebox to get some Purell, which placed all his
246 pounds of weight on the gas pedal. Felp got stuck in that
position and not only was unaware he set the new land speed record,
but was unaware he was even driving a car. Felp stopped by running
out of gas. A spokesman for Buick expressed some surprise at Felp's
top speed but did say that under the right conditions, the '91
Century "could kick a little ass."
NEWMAN WINS NASCAR GFS 400!
Fritter, MI - In a stunning career switch that
has sent shock waves through Hollywood, film composer and noted
songwriter Randy Newman won the NASCAR
GFS 400 this past Sunday, easily edging out Jeff
Burton and the rest of the field. Newman, who had never
before expressed interest in any form of athletics, let alone
stock car racing, led the majority of laps and at one point even
bumped Rusty Wallace off his line around Curve
Two, a move even experienced veterans rarely try. What's more
amazing about Newman's performance is the fact that clinically
speaking, his eyesight is pretty much shot. Newman, who wrote
the hits "Short People" and "I Love LA," had
never before driven a stick shift, but -- hmmm? Oh. The NASCAR
GFS 400 was won by RYAN Newman, not Randy Newman.
Sportalicious! regrets the error. Ryan Newman, however, has no
hit songs to his credit.
VICK WILL PLAY ON CRUTCHES!
Hickey Bog, GA - The Atlanta Falcons,
whose star quarterback Michael Vick broke his
ankle last Sunday in meaningless pre-season football action that
nonetheless made one TV network gobs of money, announced today
that Vick will continue to start for the Falcons and will use
a specially designed set of titanium crutches that are sewn right
into his armpit. Falcon spokesman Gordy Gigsby said, "Michael's
a competitor. He loves to play. We can't tear him off the field.
He refuses to sit. He's a born leader..." At this point Gigsby
visibly gagged on his own B.S., and after taking a minute to recover,
admitted, "We have no one else to play qb." Vick said
only, "My ankle hurts, man."
OSBOURNE'S "TAKE
ME OUT" NUMBER ONE IN GERMANY!
Verboten, Germany - Heavy metal icon Ozzy
Osbourne's stunning rendition of "Take Me Out To
The Ballgame" at Sunday's Dodgers-Cubs baseball game in Chicago,
while receiving lukewarm reviews stateside, has skyrocketed to
Number One in Germany in just 48 hours. German newspaper Der Shvitz
said Germans have gone crazy for the song because "the atonal
demonic mumbling soothes the Teutonic lust for gravy," or
something like that, we couldn't hire an interpreter in time for
this story. Osbourne leapfrogged David Hasselhof's
rendition of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher"
and the "Gigli" soundtrack to take
over the Number One slot.
MOSS ON KOBE: 'RUNNIN' SOMEONE OVER
DON'T LOOK SO BAD NOW, HUH?!'
Gorgeous Homes Lake, MN - Minnesota Vikings
wide receiver Randy Moss issued a statement this
weekend chiding the press for its criticism of his meter maid
incident last autumn and pointing to Kobe Bryant
as a target the media should attack. Calling the incident in which
he ran into a parking enforcement officer and forced her to jump
up on his hood to save her life "just old-fashioned shenanigans,"
Moss said, "I never laid a hand on her, never tried to sweet-talk
her, never did nothin' against her will, never had to buy anyone
a four million-dollar hush-up ring, nothin'! Y'all's owe me an
apology!" The defiant Moss then stood at the podium silently
glaring for over seven minutes until a stringer for the AP said
"we're sorry" and everyone could go home.
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