"This is gonna sting a little."

West Athens, Greece - The new method of testing athletes for steroids - an anal probe that rotates painfully inside an athlete picking up miniscule traces of most drugs - may inadvertently prove to be the best deterrent yet to ingesting of illegal steroids by athletes. A swab of saliva is taken first, and if that sheds any doubt the probe is administered. Doctor Chiklos Mercouri of the Greek Baths For Men Only Medical Center said that since announcing the excruciatingly torturous anal probe, not a single case of abuse has been discovered. In fact the best time logged in a preliminary time of the men's 100 meter is 16.81 seconds, over seven seconds off the world record. "Hell, I ain't taking no g-d d-mn chance wit' some mutha f-----n' mixmaster aimed at my ass," said a sprinter who might have maybe been American. It appears world class athletes are backing off so far that Bidli Jobo Kwame of the tiny African nation of Gabon is now favored to wins the mens 200m breaststroke despite having only been in a pool five times in his life.