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DOLPHINS SIGN ZIGGY MARLEY!
Miami, FL - In an effort to fill the Birkenstock
spikes of mellow but retired running back Ricky Williams,
the Miami Dolphins have signed reggae recording
artist Ziggy Marley to a two-year deal. "He's
in great, great shape," said a Dolphin exec who asked to
remain anonymous because he's also involved in illegal gun-running,
"and he's mighty experienced getting around drug tests."
The Dolphins expect Marley to contribute immediately and are also
excited by the fact he grows his own marijuana, eliminating the
expense of a middleman.
U OF MIAMI FORCED TO GIVE SCHOLARSHIP
TO PAROLE OFFICER!
Miami, FL - The University of Miami
has been forced to give a scholarship to star recruit Willie
Williams' parole officer in order to keep Williams on
the roster and within NCAA guidelines. Furtus
Penny, 28, of the Dade Couny Correctional Office, will get a free
ride at the school provided he keeps Williams out of trouble.
Penny plans to major in the Studio Recording program and in fact
may get a look at defensive back from head coach Larry
Coker. "He's mature," said Coker, "and
he carries a gun. I think our kids may need that."
SPORTSCENTER MAY BROADCAST
ALL CHATTER!
Bristol, CT - In the wake of controversial comments
made off-mic by staff announcers, ESPN said today
that it may broadcast all of its announcers' chatter, both on
and off camera. In mid-July during a commercial break on "Baseball
Tonight," Harold Reynolds bemoaned
the fact that Shaquille O'Neal trade talks were
the lead story on SportsCenter that night instead
of baseball's All Star game. Chris Berman
agreed, saying, "Now you know why I don't watch our own show
anymore..." The comments, inadvertently broadcast over the
airwaves, shocked ESPN execs until they saw that their ratings
jumped nearly 2 points. Viewers who got wind of the snafu tuned
in, anticipating more actual opinion from the announcers. "We'll
see if this honesty thing plays out in the ratings," said
Mindy Herb-Flunk, ESPN publicist.
FRANCE: ARMSTRONG 'STOLE CHAMPAGNE!'
Beu Heu, France - The French government wants
to extradite Tour de France champ Lance
Armstrong on charges he stole a 40-cent glass of champagne.
The French claim Armstrong, riding to victory two weeks ago on
the Champs Elysses, swiped it from a passing motorist who was
innocently sipping it on his way to the Louvre and not "handing
it to Lance in some fantastical gesture of goodwill that exists
only in Armstrong's mind," according to French Minister of
German Justice, Jean-Marc Fuphois. The punishment for this level
of theft is a two-hundred Franc fine and ten hours of community
service moping at a coffeehouse.
JENGA LEAGUE STOPPED DEAD BY CHEATING!
Yowsa, NV - The Continental Jenga League, slated
to kick off this week, had to postpone its debut when two of its
four franchises tested positive for shaved Jenga logs. "You
take a Stanley wood plane to a Jenga log, you can win big,"
said league president Pfef Kempty. The Tacoma Toothpicks, Silver
City Slivers, Beaverton Bored Stiffs and the Denver Knotholes
will attempt to kick off the season next weekend. Said a tight-lipped
Kempty, "The Olympics could steal a little thunder."
He was nominated on the spot for Understatement of the Year.
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