Too late for this endorsement.

Madison, WI - Doctors at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine released results of a study that showed the simple act of masturbation may have been enough to deter possible criminal action in the Kobe Bryant case. "Had Kobe just shut the door and ordered Spectravision when he was still alone, this whole thing probably would have been avoided," said Doctor James Ostroskovich of UW's famed Department of Manual Manipulation. The study isolated 400 underclassmen in luxury hotel suites; 200 were instructed to pleasure themselves immediately upon entering the suite and the other 200 abstained. Fifteen minutes later, sexy young female concierges knocked on the doors of the young men. Of the 200 men who had not masturbated, 173 invited the concierge in and attempted to instigate sex or at least crack the mini-bar. The other 27 admitted to being gay. Of the 200 who had masturbated, all 200 dispensed with the attractive female concierge at the door within 30 seconds, citing exhaustion, sleepiness, or ESPN Sportcenter as reasons to avoid asking the concierge for sex. "Clearly, the message for athletes is, whack off within five minutes of checking in," said Dr. Ostroskovich, "then just enjoy the amenities a four-star hotel has to offer, for chrissakes. Have something off the latenight menu. Take a mineral salt bath. Enjoy the twinkling lights off your scenic balcony. Keep your shorts on, you self-centered narcissistic punk! I've got twin daughters, 18 years old, and if I ever catch you--" At this point Dr. Ostroskovich clutched his chest and dropped to one knee. Oddly enough, due to a cutback in state insurance, Ostroskovich was helicoptered to Michigan State University Hospital, where he was treated for a parental ulcer and released.