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ULLRICH
TO CONTRACT TESTICULAR CANCER!
Baden Baden, Germany - German cycling phenom
Jan Ullrich, a second-place finisher to Lance
Armstorng yet again, announced immediately after the Tour de France
that he plans on contracting the exact type of testicular cancer
Armstrong had. "I must even the playing field," said
Ullrich, "and obviously the American is cheating and has
gained powerful leg muscles from the chemotherapy. Like 'Hulk'
or something." Ullrich was immediately flown to Berlin's
Boundaries Of Pain Medical Clinic with his balls packed in asbestos.
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS 'KNEW OF'
KOBE!
Sunset Strip, CA - Sportalicious' own Anthem
Singing Breasts have told authorities in both LA and Eagle,
Colorado that they had dated LA Laker star Kobe Bryant
in the past. "He didn't seem to mind that we didn't have
a head," said the Left Breast, who does most of the talking,
"in fact, he seemed to enjoy it." The breasts apparently
dated Bryant briefly in 2001, on January 24, between the hours
of 12:31am and 1:07am and again between the hours of 2:51am and
3:19am. Added the Breasts, "That was the night we finally
saw 'My Best Friend's Wedding' on Pay-Per-View."
AL-JAZEERA LAUNCHES OWN SPORTSCENTER!
Springfield, Qatar - In an attempt to up its
ability to compete against western news outlets, Al-Jazeera announced
Monday that it will launch its own nightly sports highlight show,
called "NightCenter For Sport Things." The show is set
to launch September 11th and will feature co-anchors Mohammed
Jafir and Moammar Hussein. "I am the Tom Arnold," said
Jafir, "and Moammar is like a Chris Berman with hair on his
hands." Jafir promises "many laughs" plus the "best
desert soccer and camel racing highlights in the world."
Larry Merchant has been retained as a boxing consultant.
ISLANDER FAN CLUB WANTS FROZEN
DRAFT PICK IN GOAL!
New York, NY - Former 1984 New York Islanders
draft pick Duncan McPherson, discovered frozen after 14 years
in the Austrian Alps, should play goaltender for the Islanders
this coming season, according to Dean Aceto, head of the "Isles
Maniacs" fan club. Aceto, an assistant mate on a Staton Island
garbage barge, has mounted a campaign intended to force Islanders
management to consider the bold move. "This guy they found
frozen in the Alps gotta be in primo shape, for chrissakes,"
said Aceto, "and chrissakes, I hate wastin' a draft pick
in this league! I say use him!" Aceto added, "Good Christ,
he oughta be fresh as hell and well rested, chrissakes."
A representative from the Islanders told Sportalicious! he is
trying to contact Aceto and inform him that McPherson is actually
dead. "Obviously, Aceto's an idiot," said the Isles
rep, who asked to remain anonymous because he lives on Long Island
Sound and could easily have his beachfront property destroyed
by someone driving a garbage barge.
SENIOR BRITISH OPEN CHAMP GETS $4.99
DINNER SPECIAL!
Pinch, Scotland - Tom Watson
survived a two-hole playoff to win the Senior British
Open this past weekend and in the process pocketed over
$600 and one year's worth of coupons for the early bird special
at the U.S. restaurant chain "Village Inn" and its British
counterpart, "Bollocks Pubs." Watson was unavailable
for comment because he was taking a nap, and then when he woke
from his nap he was very cranky and couldn't remember where he
was, and then he said he'd drive himself to the restaurant but
tourney officials firmly offered to drive him there, and then
he got angry when some kids played their rock & roll music
way too loud. He then forgot to present his $4.99 coupon and payed
full price for dinner anyway.
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