"It's from Wal-Mart, f*%kers!"

Peaux deu Pissin, France - American Lance Armstrong won his fifth Tour de France bike race in a row Sunday, terrifying the surrendering French people by riding under their treasured Arc d' Triomphe in what could only be described by frightened onlookers as an arc of triumph. Armstrong then slurped champagne from a Wal-Mart snap-together plastic flute glass, terrifying the French even further. When he took the podium on the Champs Elysses for his victory dinner, he intentionally used the wrong salad fork before clearing the table with a swipe of his arm and ravaging two French virgins (yeah, right) provided willingly by French President Jacque Chirac. While Armstrong lorded his superiority over the quaking crowd, the rest of the U.S. Postal team continued in a cycling blitzkrieg that roared through western France and annexed the low countries of Belgium and Holland. France's last line of defense, the Maginot Tire Spike, was ridden around with ease, and the Americans will add Lichtenstein to their list of acquisitions as soon as they can find it. Austria has announced in no uncertain terms that if Armstrong continues his march, it will have no choice but to do nothing. All of Europe is now trembling with the fear of having to come face-to-face with the most awesome, efficient organization in the world - the U.S. Postal Service. Armstrong will rejoin the team after peeing off the Eiffel Tower.