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RICKY WILLIAMS MAY JOIN GRATEFUL DEAD!
Bupop, Tibet - Ricky Williams,
who up and quit the Miami Dolphins cold turkey
Sunday, sent word to Dolphins officials from a telegraph office
somewhere in the Himalayas that he may replace Jerry Garcia
as lead singer of the Grateful Dead. "Was
gonna hit far east. Stop," said the telegram, "but idea
now feels oppressive. Stop. Must be free. Stop. Free as wind.
Stop. Love road. Stop. Winnebago with plasma. Stop. Sing. Stop.
Weed. Stop. Chicks. Stop. Nineteen. Stop. Hippies. Stop."
OUR OWN CHET ON HIS WAY TO ATHENS!
Cheddar Falls, WI - A last-minute press credential
provided personally by NBC's Bob Costas will
allow Sportalicious's own Chet Waterhouse
to attend the Olympic Games! In return for getting
to Athens, Chet simply has to fluff and fold Costas's laundry.
And, never speak directly to Costas. Chet left Cheddar Falls by
Trailways bus to New York, and from there will take a steamer
hauling coffee under the Colombian flag to Spain, where he will
then motorbike to Athens. Chet's credentials do not allow him
into the press box for any events, but rather locate him in a
harness hung from a flagpole above the press box.
WHAT'S NEW? 'SPORTALICIOUS
FOR KIDS!'
Cheddar Falls, WI - In the absence of managing
editor Chet Waterhouse, who is on his way to Greece for exclusive
coverage of the Olympics, Sportalicious! acting editor Dick
Baker - aka 'Ask Outdoor Dick' - announced that the website
will immediately investigate the idea of launching a parallel
kids site! "It is so amazingly important for kids today to
be exposed to sports and stupidity in a caring way," said
Dick, "and I think we might be the right ones to fill the
void out there." When it was pointed out to Baker that some
kids already find the current, 'adult' Sportalicious! a ridiculously
easy read, Baker said, "There's that one percent that always
spoils it for the other kids. Well, we're not gonna let 'em."
NEW LEGAL REPORTER DETAINED BY POLICE!
Pantsrip, PA - Newly acquired Sportalicious!
legal reporter Von Van Butch was arrested in Pantsrip on his way
to Cheddar Falls, Wisconsin and charged with international drug
smuggling. Van Butch apparently had over nine pounds of Afghani
black tar heroin woven into the lining of a brassiere. He was
stopped by the Pennsylvania Highway Patrol for being a man wearing
brassiere. Van Butch most recently worked as a sexual assault
correspondent for ESPN. Because he had not yet
signed a contract with Sportalicious!, we wish him good luck in
the Pennsylvania penal system.
RED SOX, DEMS RAISE 'LOSER' KARMA TO
DANGEROUS LEVELS!
Boston, MA - The karma of two of the biggest
losers in recent American history, the Democratic Party
and the Boston Red Sox, have combined to create
a loser 'supercell' over the Boston area that may take years to
dissipate, according to the National Weather Service.
The Democratic National Convention held in Boston
this week, and a concurrent Red Sox home stand could interweave
negativity that would be felt as far away as Keene, New Hampshire
and Hartford, Connecticut. If the eye of the loser storm fails
to move offshore within a week, it could cause a huge increase
in choking incidents, slumped posture and unprovoked bouts of
weeping. The National Weather Service has issued a travel advisory
for anyone going into the area and in fact is urging current residents
to move to St. Louis.
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