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FRENCH
ODOR FINALLY SLOWS ARMSTRONG!
Le Pungente, France - Despite already
having surrendered to American cyclist Lance Armstrong,
rebel Vichy French forces under the command of German military
attache Strauss Decter have successfully slowed Armstrong's progress
in the 2003 Tour de France by standing on the
biker's route and using battery-powered Goofy fans from Disney
Paris to waft their personal body odor in front of Armstrong.
The cloud of stench has made Armstrong wobbly on several occasions,
forcing him to the side of the road for oxygen and a baby wipe,
but failing to stop him completely. The aroma has knocked unconscious
several other riders, most notably France's own Thierry Bufont,
famous in his home country for having built his bike out of scraps
from the Maginot Line. Decter said the rebels were intent on protecting
the honor of the leader's yellow jersey, which is of course yellow
in tribute to France's reknowned military retreats.
BRITISH OPEN WON BY SPECTATOR!
Vicar's Knob, England - An American spectator
at this year's British Open doffed an apple cap,
faked a British accent and won the prestigious tournament by golfing
so early in the day he could cheat without detection. Ben Curtis,
a 29-year-old forklift operator for the GasBlast Rapid-Cook Outdoor
Grill Company, won by a nose over really, really pissed off professional
golfers. The only reason Curtis was even in-country and at Royal
St. George's this past week was because of a dare from
his drunk loading dock buddies. (Editor's note: due to the level
of alcohol consumption observed at the GasBlast loading dock,
we suggest all owners of GasBlast LidFlipper 5000 and LidFlipper
5000Turbo check all of the unit's propane gas hose connectors.)
Curtis's strategy - to use just his putter from tee to green and
to try to finish the front nine before the dawn sun cut through
the inky black of early morn - paid off. Curtis pocketed over
a million dollars and held a press conference to call and tell
his foreman at GasBlast that he was taking a pee break and would
be back in 50 years.
KEN GRIFFEY JR. STILL ELIGIBLE FOR NL
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!
Cincinnati, OH - National League eligibility
officer Nick Neckles announced Tuesday morning that Cincinnati
Reds outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. has
had so many injuries he is technically still eligible for NL
Rookie of the Year honors, despite being with the Reds
over four seasons. The 36-year-old baseball star, most recently
assigned to the DL with a slight case of what appears to be monkey
pox, has played just a shade over 21 complete nine-inning games
over the last four years and is legally still only in the first
year of his contract. This is just a tiny morsel of good Griffey
news in a city starved for good Griffey news. Word of Griffey's
recent muscle strain injury has been tempered by fans who've have
claimed to have seen Griffey waterskiing, helping a friend move
a hide-a-bed sofa and diving into the ball pit at Chuck
E. Cheese pizza for Rob Dibble's 44th
birthday party.
GEORGE MICHAEL'S SPORTS MACHINE RUNS
OUT OF OIL!
Chad Village, FL - Legendary sportscaster George
Michael's Sunday Night Sports Machine
suddenly sputtered to a stop and nearly burst into flame Sunday
when pit crew members forgot to replenish the oil supply. The
machine suddenly coughed violently, blew smoke, then shuddered
to a stop. Through the use of the Sports Machine, viewers have
seen straight-to-the-point sports highlights without the irritating
numbness of ESPN's little teeny beddy-bye storytime
stories that accompany each score. The machine was towed from
the side of Interstate 95 outside Miami to Roger Penske's
Sports Machine Repair in nearby Bradenton. While the sports machine
is being overhauled, Michael will use an espresso machine instead.
HENDERSON SIGNS WITH DODGERS;
DEVIL OKAYS DEAL!
Parking, California - 74-year-old outfielder
Ricky Henderson signed a deal to join the Los
Angeles Dodgers, and - assuming Henderson's own deal
with the Devil has all the i's dotted and t's crossed - should
be able to help the club fight for the NL pennant. "I always
wanted to be a Dodger," said Henderson through a hand-held
throat amplifying device sick, old people with throat problems
have to talk through so they can be embarrassed in public on a
constant basis. Indeed, Henderson's skin is already melting off
his forehead from a tough stint as the first 74-year-old man to
play baseball anywhere professionally. "I wanted to wear
Dodger Blue mainly because it's the only team I haven't been with
my first thirty years in the league. Hey! I just had a thought!
'Dodger' - 'Dodge Her.' That's what I would've said to Kobe, hehehe.
See how I can fit into LA?! Like a GLOVE, baby." Brian Dunkelman
Productions has optioned Henderson's story. The lead would be
played by Brian Dunkelman.
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