Do I file this under 'S' or 'T?'

Startrap, CO - Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant's 7-to-8 minute affair with a Colorado woman, initially considered by experts to be within the confines of NBA guidelines for marital infidelity, has somehow wound up in the actual American judicial system used nowadays mostly just for regular shmoes. "This is an outrage," said Alan Dershowitz, fresh off losing ESPN's idiotic mock kangaroo Pete Rose trial and clearly brown-nosing to join Bryant's team. "Sticking a famous, brilliant athlete such as Kobe into the stupid 'regular legal system' is cruel and barbaric," Dershowitz added. "I would expect that in France or maybe Khazakstan, however that's actually spelled." Dershowitz paused a moment in order to charge another client a massive hourly fee, then continued, "The way 'rape' is defined in this inferior 'regular legal system,' well, that's the way most athletes have sex! It is usually non-consensual, it is usually insensitvely short, and it is usually followed by a pay-per-view movie. Since when has that become some sort of 'issue,' especially in the case of such a dashing young raconteur as Kobe?'" Dershowitz took a moment to make a phone call and sell his summer home for twice its worth, then added, "Adultery isn't a crime, it's fun! Many people do it to spice up their marriage. Heck, Kobe's in his mid-twenties, he's been married a couple years, everybody knows the fire's gone by then." Dershowitz said if added to Bryant's legal team he promised to get eyeglass frames that had been designed and built sometime this decade.