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FRANCE: LANCE CAN'T CYCLE UNDER FRENCH AIRSPACE!
Pouze, France - In a last ditch attempt to help
French rider Thomas Voeckler cling to his slim
lead in the Tour de France bike race, the French
government has submitted a proviso to the World Court that would
make it illegal for American Lance Armstrong
to cycle "under" French airspace. The World Court is
expected to laugh derisively at the French and dismiss the case
with mocking, silly physical motions and fart noises, but Marcia
Clark will be representing the Court, so clearly the
French still have a shot. When it was pointed out that 'Thomas
Voeckler' is actually a German name, the French said, "What
is your point?" and then charged reporters double for their
espressos.
BRITISH OPEN ENDS WHEN NEITHER PLAYER
CAN FIND BALL!
O'Belchy, Scotland - The British Open
Golf Championship was settled by default when neither
Todd Hamilton or Ernie Els,
locked in a 4-hole playoff at Royal Troon, could
find their balls in the five-foot high, pollen-wreaking, concrete-thick,
death grass the Scots stupidly refer to as "the rough."
Three caddies were hospitalized with ragweed ventilation, and
a fourth is still missing. Search parties have called off efforts
due to darkness and will resume when the Scottish government passes
a special amendment allowing a lawn mower onto Royal Troon. The
only benefit of the tall grass was that Hamilton and Els agreed
in reed-encased privacy to let the less-experienced Hamilton win
the tournament but give Els half the money.
GREEKS FINISH OLYMPIC BATHROOM!
Athens, Greece - With help from a volunteer squad
of emergency masons from Italy, the Greeks have completed the
Olympics' men's bathroom this week! This marks
the third building completed this week, reducing to only 73 the
number of unfinished projects. Greek minister of Procrastination
Constantin "Gus" Constantinopolos told reporters that
the men's bathroom will have a trough urinal able to accommodate
over six hundred men and will also feature two stalls. The Greeks
have next decided to try and complete the track stadium and forego
finishing the women's bathroom, because, as Constantinopolos said,
"They're women and this is Greece. Fffffaaaahh!"
SHAQ TRIES CUBAN FOOD, LIKES IT!
Maimi, FL - The newest member of the NBA's
Miami Heat, Shaquille O'Neal,
cruised through the heart of Miami's Little Cuba and stopped at
every single eatery to sample a dish. After 41 restaurants in
a three-block stretch, Shaq said simply, "This sh*%t is good,"
and Little Havana erupted in cheering and conga lines that danced
through the night, the next day, the next night, and quite frankly,
are still going, because Cubans can party, dude. Period. Shaq
has already replaced David Caruso as the third
most popular Miamian, behind only two chicks who regularly get
naked on the deck of their South Beach condo.
SPORTALICIOUS LOOKS TO ADD
LAWSUIT REPORTER!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Know anything about the law?
Been to law school yourself? Dropped out of law school to open
a Boston Market and that went bust and now you're
back in law school? Know every anchor on "Court TV?"
Then this job's for you! Sportalicious! is looking for more in-depth
coverage in the future on all the rampant, heinous, sleazy, sickening
court cases in sports that should be dominating the headlines
and ripping sports down to size but aren't. We don't want to rip
sports down to size either, 'cause sports are great no matter
how many people die, and hell, there's so many hot chicks in it
now! But we do just want someone who knows what the hell "appellate
court" means and can write us a story without us gettin'
sued. All applicants will be perused and whoever's willing to
work cheapest, bingo.
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